Chemo Round Three

February 21, 2009

Wednesday night I didn’t want to go to bed. I had felt so good and wanted to enjoy it as long as possible. Finally at 1:00am Thursday morning I decided I couldn’t put off the inevitable any longer and I went to bed. I dragged my feet a little in the morning so we were a little later than usual getting to the doctors office. But all in all we seemed to get done about the same time. We got to the doctors at 9:20 am and got home around 4:30 pm. In the afternoon as I was finishing up Jamie and I noticed a woman crying on the nurses shoulder, we over heard her say well I guess that means I will have to have two more treatments. Which is kind of where I am at this moment. My PET scan will be March 10 and will determine if I just have 3 more treatments or if I will have 5 more treatments. If the cancer is gone then it will be just the 3 more treatments if not then I will have 5 treatments and then another scan and we go from there. It was a bit heart wrenching to witness this and realize this will be me facing a similar situation in a few weeks and so desperately wanting it to only be 3 more times. Each treatment seems to take on a life of its own. This time I felt like I was doing really good, I was getting ready to go to the wedding and reception of a dear friend’s daughter and whammy, I got so nauseated by the time I took my nausea medicine, laid down and felt like getting up again, we had missed the event. Jack and I went to bed a 9:14 pm. So totally alien to whom I use to be.

Saturday we decided to go to the temple. I have been a little paranoid about going because I was worried about wearing my wig and having it fall off during several key parts in the ceremony. Good news, the wig stayed where it was suppose to and everything was great. It was wonderful to be in the temple, to be with my sweet eternal companion whom I adore so much.

I feel a little more nauseated this time, they said each time would be a little different and each time as your body wears down from the chemo things might take a little longer to get over or to come back to close to normal, but you still keep hoping that it is quicker for all your body’s functions to work how you have always planned and taken for granted.

The doctor said I could go with Jack to his meeting San Diego even though I will miss my stats appointment. She said if anything happened (a fever over 100.4 or really bad sore throat and some other symptoms) I would have to be treated in the emergency room, because they would need to know exactly what kind of infection I was fighting, which scared me a little bit, but said that I would still be fine. So I get to go to San Diego and rest down there and that is a happy plan to me.

I have received so much loving, tender, caring support from each of you. I can’t express my deepest love and how much each of you have touched my heart and have helped to make this burden lighter by your kindness and sweet thoughts and deeds. Thank you, you are the best!

I know Heavenly Father knows me and knows what I need to make me strong and to make me worthy to live with him and my Savior and my beautiful family and my sweet friends forever. So whatever it takes to make that happen you can count me in, since that is my whole reason for being here.

Well I am a little sluggish this morning and need to go lay down. I hope to add some pictures later. I love you all!

Chemo III

Margo seems to be adjusting to life with chemo and cancer as well as can be expected. She was told on Thursday (day of chemo) that they would make an appointment on March 10 for a new PET scan to see the status of the cancer. This is just just two days before the 4th chemo treatment. We are hopeful that it comes back clear which means that there will be 6 chemos total (three more) including the one 2 days after the scan. When she was there for chemo there was another patient that had just found the results of her scan (that she was still positive for cancer and that she would need additional chemo treatments); she was crying and understandably distraught. This whole process is still quite sobering. Margo did say last week that if it weren't for losing her hair, she felt pretty normal. It is always the best just before the next treatment.
Kirk and I administered to Margo as we have done the night before each of the treatments. I anointed and Kirk sealed the anointing (this time). Kirk gave Margo a beautiful blessing. It is such a blessing to have the priesthood; and I really believe that it helps Margo so much to go through the chemo.
We had some time off on monday and tuesday last week and arranged to visit Margo's folks in St. George. Ardith will be 90 in a little over a week and Mel is 95. Dad suffers from dementia or mild Alzheimer's and so does not really understand what Margo is going through. Mom, I think, gets it to a point, but they both do not completely understand the gravity of the illness and treatment. It was good for us to see them.

 

February 9, 2009
About six months ago Mindi called and told me that Wicked was coming to San Francisco and that we should plan a girl’s trip and come to see her and Wicked. I got on line and got 8 tickets to Wicked for all my daughters and daughter-in-laws and our girl’s trip was set in motion. Little did we know six months later life would be a bit different than we had expected. Jessica decided to go on a mission and my future held a side trip I never expected to take. I was pretty secure in my thoughts that I would never have to deal with cancer. It wasn’t in our family and so I assumed that I would be exempt from this disease. Well, not so fast Miss Margo. When I first heard I had cancer and we were learning about the treatment and time frame San Francisco came to mind and I just hoped I would feel good enough to go. Last fast Sunday Marci and Eric’s little guy Gabe (9 ½) fasted a full 24 hours and their Isaac (8) and Emma (6) fasted one meal so that grandma could get better from cancer and also that I could be well enough to go with their mom to San Francisco and enjoy it. I had an awesome time with my sweet daughters (4) and sweet daughter-in-laws (2) in San Francisco. I hardly felt sick at all, I just had to rest a bit and missed most of the shopping, but it was wonderful. I need to thank all my boys for holding down the home front so I could be with the girls. They were/are so great. I didn’t hear one word of complaint from them just lovely wishes that they hoped we all had a good time. All the grandkids had an amazing weekend with their dads. So a big THANK YOU to my sweet boys.
This last chemo wasn’t as hard as the first one. The first week I was really, really tired and low on energy, hard to get anything done. I had tons of year end reports and stuff to do so I had to force myself to focus. I would work a few hours and then go and lay down. Eric volunteered to have Marci come out a few days early before we were leaving for San Francisco to help me so she was here Tuesday – Thursday and drove me to my stats appoint Thursday and helped with tons of stuff. The constant resting gets old but I can only go so long before I crash. By Thursday even though it was my lowest point as far as blood counts I started feeling better. Jack made me promise I would wear a mask in the airplane on the way to San Francisco to try to avoid getting sick, I did as soon as I finished the dinner we brought on board the airplane. I thought I might suffocate having to wear a mask and a wig but I survived and came home healthy. This was a totally different experience than last time. I am sure not going in sick to begin with had a lot to do with it as well as the prayers and fasting on my behalf. Knowing a little bit about what to expect and just the whole emotional experience of going through chemo for the first time I am sure added to the stress and depression of the first treatment. I am happy to report I don’t think I need to take anti-depressants. Everyone said I was a lot better this time and I would really like to avoid adding any more drugs to what I am already having to take. Yikes!
My funny story for this week is: Wednesday before my Chemo treatment I received a call from Dr. Klein’s office (where I go for my treatments). It was a reminder that I had chemo on Thursday. It just struck me really funny and I had to laugh out loud. Oh, right I forgot that was happening tomorrow. I mean seriously does anyone forget they are having a chemo treatment. As if your whole life isn’t centered around that treatment day for the next 6 – 8 months. Anyway I thought it was pretty funny.
I did have a little bit of a break down yesterday morning. After the lovely weekend reality set in and before we left from Mindi’s house to go to the airport I just wondered if I was ever going to be me again. Sunday when I talked to Jack I told him I was a little tired of this whole cancer thing and he said yes he was too and he wanted his wife back. So at 5:00 am Monday morning I woke up and thought what if I am not ever the same. They told me all the things I would lose during chemo and that most of the things come back but they come back different. If you had curly hair it comes back straight and so forth. Just thinking about being bald for a whole year, such a little thing but my identity and how I feel about myself is so tied up to it that as the girl’s asked me how I was doing and how I slept I started crying. Oh well, I guess one day a treatment is going to be dedicated to a bit of crying and feeling sorry for myself. I went walking and came back ready to face the next few weeks with joy and thanksgiving for all that I have.
I am constantly humbled and amazed at the loving concern, prayers, thoughts, fasting, gifts, beautiful cards, notes and emails I have received. I feel the power of everyone’s prayers every day. They bring comfort, strength and hope. I can’t thank my Heavenly Father and my heavenly earthly family and friends enough for all the efforts that are being made on my behalf. I couldn’t do this without you. I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for surrounding me with awesome loved ones to help me through this experience. I love you all!!!

Round Two

Round two of chemo was a bit different. 1st I wasn’t terrified for my life. My blood pressure was a nice 112/68 instead of 138/92 (something like that), the nurse said oh, you are much more relaxed this time and I said you think!
2nd knowing a little bit about the three weeks in between helped so it wasn’t so scary to wonder exactly what would happen and when it would happen. 3rd I feel like this will work and that I can do it. 4th It wasn’t so near to Jessica and Jonathan leaving so I have had more time to adjust to missing them.
The end of the first week last time I was wondering if I would feel yucky the whole six months of treatment and wondering if it was worth it. But a few days after that depressing thought I started feeling more like myself, food started tasting close to the same as it did before and water tasted okay. My energy and concentration came back so I had a good six - seven days of getting stuff done and feeling like I could even cook a meal (although Jamie didn’t let me).
The depression wasn’t so bad this time, but the nausea was a little bit sharper because I was trying not to take so much of the nausea medicine to see if this helped me find my happy place easier. I think that it did help me with the happy place thing but I didn’t make it to church because I was too nauseated to go. So, I guess we will have to play around with it next time to see if I can make it work so I can make it to church and still be happy.
We have had some super fun events this weekend a grand nephew getting married and a grandson getting baptized.
Life is truly a gift.
I loved my hat and scarf party. Jamie hosted and planned the event with help from Jacki and Amber. My hats are fabulous and the scarf’s I received are extraordinary. I received flowers, kites, candies, plants, a beautiful centerpiece, lovely notes, thoughts and the added joy of seeing sweet family and friends. I am so blessed to have so many wonderful and amazing people in my life. Everyone I know is living through their own drama’s and trials but still have taken time to reach out to me and make my trial into an adventurous journey instead of a trek through an alligator swamp.
All of my kids have been extra tender and caring. Extra notes, hugs, sacrifices of time and resources. Jamie has shouldered a lot of this because she is right here and is so protective of me and makes sure I don’t do anything I don’t need to, it really is a turn around to let your child/children take care of you without being able to do the same for them. A very amazing process to see them step up and take over the reins as you have taught them all your life to do and to have them do it so gracefully. Whenever these moments happen I realize that Heavenly Father is truly in our lives, defining our experiences helping us to have the chance to strengthen our character, to have the opportunity to prove to him that we are his children and that we want to follow our Savior and become his children forever.
I constantly pray for all those who need extra tender care, and all those who have lost so much as dear friends have lost loving spouses and other dear friends that constantly fight their own demons without ever a respite. My challenge seems puny compared to these. Again I am amazed at dear, dear, family and friends who have given me so much. I love you, I love that through this experience I get to see the amazing heroes for righteousness I have guarding and guiding me each day as you pray for me and as you have offered me countless thoughts of love and support. You are such strength to me and I pray I can be an instrument for good in the Lords hands and do as much good for others as you have done for me.

Chemo Two The Sequel

Chemo treatment number two Thursday January 29th took almost as long as the first treatment despite being told that it would be about an hour less time. From 9:00 AM until after 4:00 PM. I had scheduled work this day and Margo insisted that she would be fine with my girls since ‘all you do is just sit there and I sleep the first two hours anyway’ (with the Benedryl that they give her). So Jamie took Margo and spent the morning with her and Jacki came in the afternoon until it was it was over. Margo had left her cell phone charger in Phoenix and so I thought that her cell phone was not working and that I would be unable to reach her during the day. So I left a message with Jamie to let me know if everything was going OK. She in turn left me a voice mail saying that everything was going well.
This chemo seems to be not quite as difficult as the first one. We reason that the first was worse because of having recently bid farewell to our two missionaries and Margo feels that the nausea pill and not the prednisone (or possibly the combination of the two drugs) may have been more the reason for the depression the last time. She has tried not to take the nausea meds and so know is feeling the nausea more intensely. The PA gave her an RX for an anti-depression drug, but said that it wouldn’t help this time since it has to be taken for a number of days before you actually expect to be depressed. Since Margo is not accustomed to taking many drugs she prefers to see how it goes this time before filling the RX. Her face and neck seemed to be a little more ‘flushed’ in the area of the port as compared to last time and she reported feeling bloated. The day after her chemo we attended a grandnephew’s wedding in the Mount Timpanogos temple at 1:00 PM after which we had a lunch/dinner and got home about 5:00 PM. Margo laid right down and didn’t wake up until 9:30 or 10:00 PM long enough to have a little something to eat and then went right back to sleep. This is so uncharacteristic of Margo as typically 6 hours of sleep and she is good to go. So far the biggest symptom of the chemo is complete exhaustion. Saturday was a much better day. We attended our grandson Ethan’s baptism and a luncheon afterward at our daughter Jacki’s house. We ran some errands including picking up some scarves and hats that Margo’s niece had made for her and then we returned home and Margo rested for a few hours and then she felt up to dinner and movie. It was a great deal of fun and though water is beginning to taste bad again, her food at least had some taste to it.
Jamie hosted a hat and scarf party for Margo on Wednesday night and so many dear friends and family attended despite the fact that those who did not have 4 wheel drive had to hike in the snow up our long, miserable, mountain driveway. At the conclusion of the festivities, I had to ‘ferry’ friends and family down the hill to their vehicles. Margo fairly glowed and was so pleased to see so many of her friends respond with such love and kindness.
Looking for some positive in this experience, we feel as if we are being compelled to write a journal (in the form of a blog) which neither of us have been very diligent doing pre-cancer. Also, we have been given an incredible appreciation for our relationship to one another and our children as well as for the blessing that friends are in our lives. A very sad and sobering experience for us in the last two weeks was the fatal heart attack of a former neighbor and good friend (Mike McClelland) who was just my age. It is so hard to imagine losing your companion and our prayers and tender thoughts are with his widow, Cher.
I pray that by next weekend Margo will be feeling well enough to enjoy the trip that she has had planned with her daughters for many months to see ‘Wicked’ in San Francisco where my daughter Mindi lives. If the history of the recovery from the last chemo is any indication then she should do just fine. Since she will be at her nadir as far as white cell count, we are having her take masks to wear on the plane and in public; which she dreads wearing in addition to the wig.