Yahoo For Margo

April 26, 2009
Margo’s chemo celebration went well, but since Thursday’s chemo she says she has not felt this bad since the first chemo. Tired, antsy and nauseous mostly is how she describes it. When Margo woke up on Friday morning(the morning after), she had slept a good 8+ hours and she commented that if this continues she will be thought of as a ‘lay-about’ since she was not up and doing something. Only Margo would dream of saying this. We determined, after the fact that we neglected to give Margo a priesthood blessing as we have done prior to the previous five chemo treatments and that this is why she has struggled so much with this last treatment. As we were going in for chemo, I read to Margo the eulogy column that Ann Coulter wrote for her mom who recently passed away from ovarian cancer. We shed a few tears as we read these tender words. As you may know, Ann Coulter is an ultra-conservative pundit, writer and commentator. The column is in itself very touching, but there are several sentences that she wrote about her mom that could just as easily have been written about Margo.
“ ….her most notable characteristic was her constant, unconditional love. She was a love machine, spreading warmth and joy wherever she went. Every time she’d see me, even after a few days’ absence, she’d hug me as if I had been lost in the Himalayan Mountains for the past twenty years. …Even on the rare occasions when I’d be cross with her, she’d completely forget about it, and within 10 seconds would be telling me what a wonderful, precious daughter I was.
….Everyone wanted my mother to be his mother. I am sure everyone thinks he has the perfect mother, but we really did. Since I was a little girl, friends, relatives and neighbors would bring their problems to Mother. She had a rare combination of being completely moral and completely non-judgmental at the same time – (the exact opposite of liberals who have absolutely no morals and yet are ferociously judgmental.) You could tell Mother anything, get good counsel and not end up feeling worse about yourself. Several of her friends sent us notes last week, calling her a ‘gentle lady’ and remarking that she never had an unkind word for anyone. Whenever the rest of us would be making fun of someone – trust me, always for good and sound reasons – Mother would somehow manage to muster up a defense of the miscreant. Father would always smile and say, “You mother defends everyone.”
She was, in fact, such a ‘gentle lady’ that I had to go to her doctors’ appointments and hospital visits with her and be her Mother Lion. If officious hospital administrators had told mother to get off the gurney, go outside in the pouring rain and stand on one foot for three hours before the doctor would see her, she’d thank them profusely and apologize for being such a bother. “
Now tell me if that doesn’t describe Margo almost perfectly? Anyway we are looking forward with great anticipation when she will feel good again. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it is not a train. When we spoke with the doctor on Thursday, I asked, now that the treatments are through, what does that mean and she said that 75% of patients respond favorably to the treatment and your mother is one of those that have been cured. She could be the poster child for chemo treatment for lymphoma. That doesn’t mean that we don’t watch and follow-up but for all intents and purposes we are past the worst and have been the recipients of a great blessing. I am so grateful for the power of the priesthood and the faith and prayers of friends and family. I am not sure how I could ever articulate the profound gratitude that I feel.

Last Chemo

Sunday April 26, 2009

Here I am three days after my last chemo treatment. It is hard to believe it is over. Of course I still have the next few days where the chemo is still in my body and all the side effects, but still it is truly a blessing and a miracle to be to this point.

On Thursday as we were talking to the doctor, she asked me what I disliked the most about the experience/treatments. I couldn’t think of anything specific and I said just not being myself for a week and a half each treatment. I asked Jack what I had complained about the most and he said I didn’t complain about much. Later when I came home and was resting after my treatment, I shot straight up in bed and thought duh my HAIR loss. That has been and continues to be the hardest part. Then I started thinking oh yeah and night sweats, and the funny tastes in my mouth, being nauseated every now and then, dry, dry skin anyway the list could go on and on. But I don’t really think about any of these things that much, you just do what you have to do. I just thought it was funny that I couldn’t come up with anything for the doctor when my hair loss has been the biggest challenge and thing I fuss about the most.

The doctor was very positive and said she didn’t see any reason why the Lymphoma should return and said I could be their poster person because I seemed to do so well compared to others. I have truly been blessed not to have so many more of the symptoms that come with this disease, mouth sores, itchy scalp, numb toes and fingers and the list goes on. All in all we felt pretty good about my chances of really being cancer free. Now I want to research and continue my reading to make sure I do everything I can to ensure that is the outcome.

Friday I felt pretty good. We went to the Jordan River Temple with Josh and Amber and Jacki and Brian. Jamie and Kirk were away on a weekend trip for their 12th Wedding Anniversary (amazing I have kids that have been married that long, Jed and Jamie will celebrate their 16th Wedding Anniversary in September) and were not able to join us and of course the rest of the kids live far away but I am sure they were thinking of us. We went to the Texas Roadhouse for dinner after. It was a great celebration for the end of my treatment. There is nothing like the temple to renew our faith and bring us strength and hope. What a great blessing temples are in our lives.

Saturday threw me for a loop. I was nauseated most of the day and I couldn’t sit still or focus. By night time I was ready to crawl out of my skin. I finally got to sleep, at one point I almost woke up Jack to have him give me a blessing. But I went and read the Ensign, walked around the house a few times and prayed again. It worked I fell asleep and I woke up feeling better, hoping I don’t have to go through what I did yesterday. At least I am concentrating enough to be able to write my journal. Although it may not make much sense.

I am really looking forward to Mother’s day. I will get to talk to my two missionaries sometime around then. I don’t know how they work it out Jon is 17 hours ahead of us and Jessica is 7 hours ahead us. I just know I will talk to them sometime. What a joy that will be.

I am sure the reason that my treatments have gone so well is because of all of the prayers, fasting, putting my name on the temple rolls, support, concern and the constant out pouring of love from all my dear ones. Thank you Father in Heaven for placing angels along my path, for all those who have cared and been there when needed. Thank you for giving me heroes to look up to and to follow. Thank you for your constant care and love. Thank you for my Savior and for helping me understand a small part of what it must have been like for him to suffer and for you to stand back and let him. As always thank you dear Father for all of my dear ones, my family and friends that continue to be my angels and my heroes. To my angels and my heroes I love you all. Thank you for being a part of my life.

The count down

My last chemo treatment is this Thursday. I am really looking forward to being done with it. I felt fabulous the last three weeks except for the Wednesday and Thursday after my treatment. I am hoping this time will be the same.

We have had a busy month. I wanted to see my grandbabies and kids that live away from us so we made a little trip to each of their homes. It was so fun to be with each of them and to participate in some everyday activities with them and their kids. I am so glad that I am blessed to have half of my kids and grandbabies live within an hour of us. I wish they all lived close by. But I am blessed that they are all well and happy.

I am looking forward to the Ensign to read the great talks that we heard over conference. It amazes me how quickly we can get out of sync with are spiritual self. I really need to focus on remembering how I felt when I first heard I had cancer and was pouring my heart out to my Heavenly Father. I am still praying, but not as fervently if that makes any sense. It seems that after the trial is over we don’t rely on our Heavenly Father as much and I don’t want to lose the closeness I have felt with my Father during this time. I have also appreciated my Savior more as I realize what it meant that he suffered for me, I have felt great peace and comfort to know that my loving Savior knows what I am going through and has felt the despair, pain and fatigue that I have felt. That He willing experienced all these things so that I could be with him again and with my family forever. I have to think of one of my favorite hymns, I Stand All Amazed” at his love for such as I.

As always I am humbled at the love and support that I have received from my dear family and friends. You have all been such a joy to me. I have been so blessed. Life is good! I love you all.

Hooray one more left!!

Everything is great here. It has been snowing off and on all week. Jack’s a little bit tired of it and threatens that he wants a palm tree in his yard oftener then usually. Hehe.

I had my second to last (hopefully forever) chemo treatment on Thursday. They couldn’t get my port to work so they had to start the IV in my wrist vein. These ports can get a little blood that dries and clots preventing the little flap to open both ways. It will let liquids (iv fluids) in but it won’t let any blood out. The nurses need to see that blood comes out so they can make sure the IV needle is placed correctly in the port. They wanted to get the clot dissolved in order to start the chemo drugs The process took over three hours. The nurse Maria decided instead of just sitting there waiting for the clot to dissolve we would go ahead and start an IV in my wrist since it was the next to last treatment and so I wouldn’t be there forever. I got to my appointment at 9:10 am and my treatment finally got started at 11:30 am. I still finished by 4:30 pm. I think that is because after the enzyme dissolved the blood clot in my port I had a time where they were using the port IV and the wrist IV to get the medicines in so that must have helped speed it up a bit.

Friday was ward temple night. Jack and I went. It was great. We had a great dessert party after and it was so wonderful to be with our ward family. We have been abundantly blessed by our ward family. The meals have been wonderful and the thoughts, emails, notes, prayers etc. have been so appreciated. You are the best!!!

On Sunday we packed up and headed down to Jacki and Brian’s for General Conference. We got there around 12:15 pm. Jacki had made breakfast for us and I brought the stuff for dinner. Well I brought most of the stuff, I forgot the most important things cheese and nacho chips for Taco salad. I had them I just forgot them. I think they call it chemo brain, but unfortunately I think it is just called getting old in my case. Jacki had cheese and tortilla's to bake so it still tasted great. Jacki and I made dinner after conference and than Jack and I left for Wyoming. Jack works Monday through Wednesday in Wyoming. We will come home Wednesday night Jack will work Thursday in SLC and then on Friday we will head to Yakima, Washington to Marci and Eric’s for Easter and we will get back Monday just in time for Dad Feller’s birthday dinner.

I only have one more treatment. Life is grand. I am blessed beyond what I deserve. I love my Heavenly Father, I know the church is true. I adore my Savior and I am so thankful that he would suffer, and go through such agony for one such as I. I have an amazing family. I have faithful sons and daughters that are doing their best to stand in righteous places and serve the Lord. I have cherished family and friends who constantly amaze me with outpourings of compassion, love and support. You are loved beyond measure. You all rock my world!!!
Love,
Margo