May 30, 2009
I had my port taken out Thursday. It was an interesting procedure. They used a local and then cut in the same place they had used to insert it (I think I haven’t seen it yet because it is still steri stripped). I lot of pulling tugging and snipping and then a really weird sensation and a pop as the tubing that was in the vein going to my heart came out. Then more pushing and tugging and a lot more snipping, just when I thought I was going to be sick because it seemed like the doctor was snipping lots of stuff, he pulled out this little metal disk almost shaped like those small heart chocolates you see around Valentine’s day with about 5 inches long of tiny tubing attached to it. What a wonderous age we live in. The whole process took about 20 minutes. The area around the stitches and where he was pulling and tugging has been a little sore, but other than that I am good to go.
Funny story kind of: On Monday Pond’s plumbing came to service the air conditioner and Paco was at the house to faux paint the laundry room, the guest bathroom, the master bathroom and my office. Anyway, after I had showered and got mostly dressed, I didn’t have my wig on and I had a camisole on but not the shirt/jacket I was going to wear over it. It was getting really hot in the bathroom with the door shut and thought I could sneak out and shut my bedroom door so I could leave the bathroom door open to get some air into the bathroom so it wouldn’t be so hot. I had my mascara in one hand and opened the bathroom door and was just going to rush out and shut my bedroom door, well I am sure you guessed that of course the Pond’s plumbing guy his name is Dan was looking for me and had come into my room trying to find me just as I opened the door from the bathroom. I am not sure who was more shocked him or me. I nonchalantly said oh are you ready for me to sign something, he said he was I just said okay just a minute, I shut the door and had to laugh at myself and take a big breath as of course I was twice as hot now. I put a hat on (I thought at that point a wig would be pointless) and my shirt and went out to sign the papers and tried to act like it was the most common thing in the world to see a bald, partial dressed woman waving a wand of mascara around.
This week on Wednesday morning I went to Jackson’s preschool graduation. They did a mother goose theme, the kids repeated a mother goose rhyme for each of the kid’s that was graduating. Jackson’s was Jack be Nimble and he was in front and had a candlestick he jumped over. It was very cute.
Thursday Karsten had Rad kids graduation. It is a program to teach kid’s self defense against anyone who tries to kidnap them or harm them teaching them to yell, kick, elbow and peck at eyes. It is a very cool program. Addy turned to me and said she hoped that Karsten wouldn’t try any of those moves on her. I told I didn’t think she had to worry about Karsten because he understood when to use them, but that she might have to worry about her other little brother, Jackson.
We had theater tickets from Sterling Financial (like we have had in the past) Jacki, Brian and kids came with us as well as Kelly and Becki. We saw the new animated movie from Disney/Pixair called Up. It was really cute, as usual I cried in it. I was getting better about crying at a drop of the hat but since my missionaries left and since I was diagnosed with cancer it is just as bad if not worse than ever.
Today (Saturday) Jack and I went to Austyn and McCaden’s dance recital. They have so many kids that take dance out in Josh and Amber’s area that they had to divide the kids into two groups. One started at 10:30am and one started at 1:00pm McCaden’s was in the morning and Austyn’s was in the afternoon. It was really fun to watch them. They did a great job.
From there we are headed to St. George to see dad and mom and Bev and Ken. Dad has been falling a lot lately. He hurt his elbow in a fall last week and Thursday night he fell and my mom called Bev crying at 3:00 am to come help him because he couldn’t get up.
We are looking into trying to do some church service around home so I emailed for some information about hosting church events at the conference center and temple square to helping with inner city missions. We have to get interviews with the bishop and stake president and then go from there. So we might be able to do some type of service mission while our kids are serving their missions. We will have to see if our erratic schedule will fit into any service area the church has.
Jack has been so sweet and loving. I can’t imagine traveling any road without him and his constant love and support. It always amazes me that he loves me so much, in spite of all my little quirks and oddities. I love you sweetheart.
My life is glorious, my blessings so numerous I can’t count them. I love my Heavenly Father and my Savior. I am so thankful to be here on this beautiful earth. I am so thankful for precious family and dear friends what would life be like without these earthly angels that Heavenly Father has blessed our lives with? Love to all, you are the best of the best!!!

May 23, 2009 Journal

We had stake conference last week. One of the speakers on Sunday morning gave a talk that really helped me to understand a principle of the gospel that I have been struggling with. I always wondered how Heavenly Father could keep forgiving us for making the same mistakes over and over again. She used the example of patience. She said that every night she would pray for forgiveness for being impatient with her kids and said how she would try to do better but she always felt how could He keep forgiving her for not learning this lesson of patience that she kept asking forgiveness for and asking help with. She felt unworthy to keep asking for his help when she was impatience with her children the very next day. A few days later she was listening to her little girl practice on the piano and it came to her (through a still small voice), that she wasn’t upset with her daughter for all the mistakes she was making on the piano selection, in fact she loved that she was trying over and over to get it right. A little voice whispered to her this is how it is with Heavenly Father. This life is our practice session, we keep practicing each principle over and over until we have it down and then we move on to the next principle. He is willing to forgive us over and over because he knows this is our practice time some things we may need to practice on for most our life and other things we will master and move on. It was like an epiphany to me.

We are on our way to Green River to run in the 5k Memorial Race for the year anniversary of Keith Young’s death. I can’t believe it has been a year from his death. That was a crazy time. Jon was graduating from High School. He had lacrosse stake finals, and track state finals. Marci had just had Meg I went out for 3 or 4 days at the beginning of the month and then I asked Jessica if she would go out to help Marci for a few more days because it was such a busy time and I couldn’t stay longer. While Jessica was there Marci had appendicitis and had her appendix removed. It was such a blessing that Jessica was there when it happened. But it was a stressful and busy time. Anyway back to traveling to Green River, Jamie and Kirk are coming with us. The race is at 10:00 am Saturday. We will run the race, visit for a bit, shower and then head back home.

Mindi and Dave came in on Wednesday evening. They went to Logan Thursday and where suppose to be there until tomorrow, but Dave has an appointment with a dentist in Provo for an associateship tomorrow morning so they will be home without us for a day darn it.

Sunday May 24
We are now back home from the race and it is Sunday morning. I was pretty impressed with myself, I came in 74th in the race and my time was 42 minutes and 17 seconds for a 5 k. They said they had around 380 runners/walkers. Jack signed me up for a runner although I don’t run the whole time I run two minutes and walk a minute or something like that. But it was good he signed me up for that because if you were a walker you couldn’t run at all. A cute friend said she was going to have to talk to her personal trainer because here I was I had Lymphoma and I beat her. The Young’s are an awesome family. It was a real honor to participate and be part of Keith’s memorial run. We saw so many dear people that have impacted our lives. It was wonderful to be there.

This is the Thursday I would usually have my chemo treatment. I am so glad that I don’t have to go in for that today. Hip Hip Hooray! I feel great. I feel like it was a dream and I finally woke up.

It is sad how quickly when a crisis is over our total dependence on the Lord slacken s a bit. Worldly thoughts and feelings come back in a rush. Before I was hoping to live through this experience and every day was a gift. Now I am worrying about how long will it take for my hair to grow back (it seems like it will take forever), dieting, wrinkles and insecurities. My feelings seemed to change overnight from how grateful I am for who I am to worrying about all my short comings and all the things I need to improve on.

This experience gave me the opportunity to be humbled and over flowing with gratitude for each day and for each person in my life. It gave me the opportunity to learn more about my Savior and my Heavenly Father. I want to do all I can to continue to have the feeling of gratitude and love for my Heavenly father and my Savior as I did through this experience. To remember I am a daughter of a Father in Heaven who knows me and loves me and blesses my life in ways I never thought possible. I want to remember the wonderful power of prayer and the strength I received everyday from all who were praying for me. I want to remember always how loved and cared for I felt by all my sweet family and dear friends.

Sunday was a great day. I got to talk to all my kids including my missionaries. It was so wonderful. I talked to Jessica in the morning and Jonathan at night. Since Australia is 17 hours ahead of us Jon called on his P-day. We called Jessica per her instructions at a member’s home at 10:30 am on Sunday morning. They both sounded so great. Just a few times did I have to stop talking so they wouldn’t hear the tears in my voice.

Mailing packages to my missionaries can be a little scary and frustrating. Last Friday I was mailing packages to Jessica and Jonathan. I weighted the packages and did the online postage thing because you save about $2.00 per package if you print your postage online. I used my bathroom scale to weigh the packages. I thought I had the right weight. When I added the weight of the contents of the packages they came to about the weight that I had got from my bathroom scale. Another advantage of doing your packages from home is that this way you just have to drop the packages off on the counter by a postal worker. I was watching my granddaughter Kari so I got her all buckled in the car and got my packages and off we went to the post office. We headed into the post office. I let the postal worker know that the packages were there and we left to go to my car. The postal worker came running after me all huffy and puffy and told me that the weights were all wrong. He kept muttering about what a big head ache it was going to be to fix it and all the paper work. I asked him what he wanted me to do and he said well you made the mistake you take them home and fix it. It is a small post office with only one postal worker and the line was backing up, but I still thought wow, this guy has had a bad day. When I came back home I decided to do the priority mail flat rate box that is the same price as long as what you are mailing fits unto the box and weights less than 20 lbs. (I think). It was only $1.50 more so I requested a refund online for the other postage. By this time there was no way I would get to the post office before 4:30pm so I had to do postage for the next day. Saturday I printed the postage packed my two boxes in the flat rate medium size boxes, grabbed my tape and scissors and headed to the post office thinking this will be a snap. I would have done all of it at home but I decided since it was the same price I could add more weight to the boxes so I stopped at the store to add more stuff to the packages. My tape ran out as I was trying to close the packages and put the customs forms on, so I still had to wait in line and have a postal worker help me. But it didn’t take as long as it would have if I needed them to do everything. Another time I was mailing packages to my missionaries I got to the Post Office at 4:25pm, the line was so long that by the time I got to the front it was 4:55 pm, I was new to mailing stuff internationally and didn’t have the customs form filled out and the postal worker took one look at me and said you have to come back tomorrow we are closed. I was flabbergasted! So there you go, two of my post office adventures for the last few months. I get a little nervous whenever I have to mail a package. Kind of like that Seinfield comedy show when they say no soup for you, because one of the characters did something the cook didn’t like.

Jack and I are in Boston. It is a charming city. So much history, beautiful old buildings and churches. We are loving being here.

A couple of nights ago we went to the opening ceremonies for the AAO (American Association of Orthodontists) and listened to the Boston Pops. They played award winning show tunes from Movies and Broadway. Most of the movie tunes were from movies when I was a youngster. It was fun to hear them and very nostalgic. One of the selections they played was “Some Where Over the Rainbow”. It brought back a very real picture of myself around age 11.

My home had a large patio area over our garage. I remember putting on roller skates and skating around this patio singing “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” with so much longing and angst wondering if my dreams would ever come true. My dreams have always been pretty simple and basic. I wanted to love someone with all my heart and have him love me back and I wanted to be a mom. As I was sitting in the concert listening to the Boston Pops play this song I realized my dreams have come true and not only come true but have gone beyond what I ever could have dreamed or imagined and of course I started crying as I realized the little girl who just wanted to be loved and give love has been blessed with so much more than she ever deserved or dreamed or imagined.

How thankful I am to my Heavenly Father who always blesses us beyond our understanding. I could never of dreamed I would have 8 amazing beautiful children and 6 other children whom I love as my own as each has entered my heart as they came to love one of these amazing children of mine, tons and tons of beautiful grandchildren to dazzle me with light, love and laughter and a constant and true source of love everlasting in my faithful, and loving Jack. The little girl longing for dreams of love and someone worth loving, the dream, the pray, came true.

My heart literally over flows with love and thankfulness to my Father and my Savior for the many miracles that have happened in my life and for his constant care in watching over me. We take the church so much for granted, I can’t even imagine how people live without its principles and knowledge. Without knowing why we are here and knowing about our Savior and all he has done not just for me but for each of us. Without knowing we have a loving Father in Heaven who knows us and wants us to return to him. Without knowing we can live again with our most precious family if we but follow our Savior and our Father in Heaven. It is truly and honor and a blessing to belong to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I just needed to say again how very thankful I am for the love and support I have felt during my little skirmish with cancer. The many lovely meals and surprise goodies have blessed both my heart and my body. The tons of emails, notes, visits and loving thoughts, have helped me to stay positive and happy which everyone knows is the first step in healing. The constant faith, prayers, fasting, putting my name on the temple rolls and loving priesthood blessings have helped to heal my broken body. Thank you, thank you so
much for your love, faith, concern and support. My life has truly been blessed by each of you. I just want to gather each of you close to me and give you a big hug and tell you personally how much you mean to me. You have made a difference in my life. My dreams could never come close to imaging I would be blessed to love so many people! I love you, I pray for you, thank you again for all you have done for me.

Since I wont be writing progress reports every week, I feel a little awkward just sending you my weekly journal writings, I will continue to post these on my blogspot at www.margofeller blogspot.com. I will send my progress journal entry after I have had my quarterly pet scans. So in the meantime check out my blogspot if you get the chance or want to.
Love,
Margo

Yahoo For Margo

April 26, 2009
Margo’s chemo celebration went well, but since Thursday’s chemo she says she has not felt this bad since the first chemo. Tired, antsy and nauseous mostly is how she describes it. When Margo woke up on Friday morning(the morning after), she had slept a good 8+ hours and she commented that if this continues she will be thought of as a ‘lay-about’ since she was not up and doing something. Only Margo would dream of saying this. We determined, after the fact that we neglected to give Margo a priesthood blessing as we have done prior to the previous five chemo treatments and that this is why she has struggled so much with this last treatment. As we were going in for chemo, I read to Margo the eulogy column that Ann Coulter wrote for her mom who recently passed away from ovarian cancer. We shed a few tears as we read these tender words. As you may know, Ann Coulter is an ultra-conservative pundit, writer and commentator. The column is in itself very touching, but there are several sentences that she wrote about her mom that could just as easily have been written about Margo.
“ ….her most notable characteristic was her constant, unconditional love. She was a love machine, spreading warmth and joy wherever she went. Every time she’d see me, even after a few days’ absence, she’d hug me as if I had been lost in the Himalayan Mountains for the past twenty years. …Even on the rare occasions when I’d be cross with her, she’d completely forget about it, and within 10 seconds would be telling me what a wonderful, precious daughter I was.
….Everyone wanted my mother to be his mother. I am sure everyone thinks he has the perfect mother, but we really did. Since I was a little girl, friends, relatives and neighbors would bring their problems to Mother. She had a rare combination of being completely moral and completely non-judgmental at the same time – (the exact opposite of liberals who have absolutely no morals and yet are ferociously judgmental.) You could tell Mother anything, get good counsel and not end up feeling worse about yourself. Several of her friends sent us notes last week, calling her a ‘gentle lady’ and remarking that she never had an unkind word for anyone. Whenever the rest of us would be making fun of someone – trust me, always for good and sound reasons – Mother would somehow manage to muster up a defense of the miscreant. Father would always smile and say, “You mother defends everyone.”
She was, in fact, such a ‘gentle lady’ that I had to go to her doctors’ appointments and hospital visits with her and be her Mother Lion. If officious hospital administrators had told mother to get off the gurney, go outside in the pouring rain and stand on one foot for three hours before the doctor would see her, she’d thank them profusely and apologize for being such a bother. “
Now tell me if that doesn’t describe Margo almost perfectly? Anyway we are looking forward with great anticipation when she will feel good again. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it is not a train. When we spoke with the doctor on Thursday, I asked, now that the treatments are through, what does that mean and she said that 75% of patients respond favorably to the treatment and your mother is one of those that have been cured. She could be the poster child for chemo treatment for lymphoma. That doesn’t mean that we don’t watch and follow-up but for all intents and purposes we are past the worst and have been the recipients of a great blessing. I am so grateful for the power of the priesthood and the faith and prayers of friends and family. I am not sure how I could ever articulate the profound gratitude that I feel.

Last Chemo

Sunday April 26, 2009

Here I am three days after my last chemo treatment. It is hard to believe it is over. Of course I still have the next few days where the chemo is still in my body and all the side effects, but still it is truly a blessing and a miracle to be to this point.

On Thursday as we were talking to the doctor, she asked me what I disliked the most about the experience/treatments. I couldn’t think of anything specific and I said just not being myself for a week and a half each treatment. I asked Jack what I had complained about the most and he said I didn’t complain about much. Later when I came home and was resting after my treatment, I shot straight up in bed and thought duh my HAIR loss. That has been and continues to be the hardest part. Then I started thinking oh yeah and night sweats, and the funny tastes in my mouth, being nauseated every now and then, dry, dry skin anyway the list could go on and on. But I don’t really think about any of these things that much, you just do what you have to do. I just thought it was funny that I couldn’t come up with anything for the doctor when my hair loss has been the biggest challenge and thing I fuss about the most.

The doctor was very positive and said she didn’t see any reason why the Lymphoma should return and said I could be their poster person because I seemed to do so well compared to others. I have truly been blessed not to have so many more of the symptoms that come with this disease, mouth sores, itchy scalp, numb toes and fingers and the list goes on. All in all we felt pretty good about my chances of really being cancer free. Now I want to research and continue my reading to make sure I do everything I can to ensure that is the outcome.

Friday I felt pretty good. We went to the Jordan River Temple with Josh and Amber and Jacki and Brian. Jamie and Kirk were away on a weekend trip for their 12th Wedding Anniversary (amazing I have kids that have been married that long, Jed and Jamie will celebrate their 16th Wedding Anniversary in September) and were not able to join us and of course the rest of the kids live far away but I am sure they were thinking of us. We went to the Texas Roadhouse for dinner after. It was a great celebration for the end of my treatment. There is nothing like the temple to renew our faith and bring us strength and hope. What a great blessing temples are in our lives.

Saturday threw me for a loop. I was nauseated most of the day and I couldn’t sit still or focus. By night time I was ready to crawl out of my skin. I finally got to sleep, at one point I almost woke up Jack to have him give me a blessing. But I went and read the Ensign, walked around the house a few times and prayed again. It worked I fell asleep and I woke up feeling better, hoping I don’t have to go through what I did yesterday. At least I am concentrating enough to be able to write my journal. Although it may not make much sense.

I am really looking forward to Mother’s day. I will get to talk to my two missionaries sometime around then. I don’t know how they work it out Jon is 17 hours ahead of us and Jessica is 7 hours ahead us. I just know I will talk to them sometime. What a joy that will be.

I am sure the reason that my treatments have gone so well is because of all of the prayers, fasting, putting my name on the temple rolls, support, concern and the constant out pouring of love from all my dear ones. Thank you Father in Heaven for placing angels along my path, for all those who have cared and been there when needed. Thank you for giving me heroes to look up to and to follow. Thank you for your constant care and love. Thank you for my Savior and for helping me understand a small part of what it must have been like for him to suffer and for you to stand back and let him. As always thank you dear Father for all of my dear ones, my family and friends that continue to be my angels and my heroes. To my angels and my heroes I love you all. Thank you for being a part of my life.

The count down

My last chemo treatment is this Thursday. I am really looking forward to being done with it. I felt fabulous the last three weeks except for the Wednesday and Thursday after my treatment. I am hoping this time will be the same.

We have had a busy month. I wanted to see my grandbabies and kids that live away from us so we made a little trip to each of their homes. It was so fun to be with each of them and to participate in some everyday activities with them and their kids. I am so glad that I am blessed to have half of my kids and grandbabies live within an hour of us. I wish they all lived close by. But I am blessed that they are all well and happy.

I am looking forward to the Ensign to read the great talks that we heard over conference. It amazes me how quickly we can get out of sync with are spiritual self. I really need to focus on remembering how I felt when I first heard I had cancer and was pouring my heart out to my Heavenly Father. I am still praying, but not as fervently if that makes any sense. It seems that after the trial is over we don’t rely on our Heavenly Father as much and I don’t want to lose the closeness I have felt with my Father during this time. I have also appreciated my Savior more as I realize what it meant that he suffered for me, I have felt great peace and comfort to know that my loving Savior knows what I am going through and has felt the despair, pain and fatigue that I have felt. That He willing experienced all these things so that I could be with him again and with my family forever. I have to think of one of my favorite hymns, I Stand All Amazed” at his love for such as I.

As always I am humbled at the love and support that I have received from my dear family and friends. You have all been such a joy to me. I have been so blessed. Life is good! I love you all.