March 24, 2009

Well, it hardly seems like I have much to say except HOORAY! I have been sick these last 10 days but who cares when I have received so many blessings and so many miracles in my life. My heart is bursting with love and gratitude to my Heavenly Father, my Savoir, my devoted family, and sweet friends. WOW could life get any better.

I have a couple of quotes from the Ensign conference talks in the November 2008 issue that really spoke to my heart:

Elder Wirthlin gave a beautiful talk on being happy. He talked about coming home from a tough football game they had lost, he was telling his mom all about it, “Joseph” she said,”come what may and love it.” He had four points that where awesome, this sums it up. “As we look for humor, seek for the eternal perspective, understand the principle of compensation, and draw near to our Heavenly Father, we can endure hardship and trial. We can say as did my mother, “Come what may and love it.” I think I want that as my new motto. Come what may and love it!!!

Elder Cook’s talk starts off with him talking about a trip he and his young sons went on. It was in June and a sudden blizzard came up ant they were caught in the storm for hours without heat, food or proper clothing. When they final got to a place to let his wife know they were safe his three year old when he talked to his mom said “ Hope ya know, we had a hard time!’ Then near the end of his talk he says, “I testify that the Atonement of Jesus Christ covers all of the trials and hardships that any of us will encounter in this life. At times when we may feel to say, “Hope you know, I had a hard time, “we can be assured that He is there and we are safe in His loving arms. Every now and then over the past few weeks when I want to say “Hope you know, I had a hard time, I am reminded that I am safe in his loving arms. What a comfort and blessing to have this knowledge.

I had a great week in spite of feeling yucky. Marci came out from Yakima again for a few days, leaving cute Eric with their five kids (amazingly this is Eric’s idea to have her come out). We got most of my Easter stuff done. Jamie, Marci and I went to the movie “Confessions of a Shopaholic” and to the DODO after on Thursday evening the night before Marci left. Our men didn’t want to see this show so we thought it was a great time to go. Amber had seen it the week before with Josh for their anniversary and they loved it. Jacki and Brian were visiting Mindi and Dave in San Francisco for their spring break. So it was just Jamie, Marci and I that ended up going.

Jack and I are going to visit Jed and Jamie in Las Vegas this weekend. I have finally started to feel better so it will be great.

I have so much to live for and look forward to. It seems like my life has been on hold for so long, not knowing what to plan for or how far to plan for. I just want to go around twirling and dancing, spinning and singing with the joy of all I have been blessed with and with the knowledge I have more time to enjoy and be with each of you who I love so much! “Come what may and love it”!!!

March 15, 2009
The Good News
My sweet daughter Jamie took me to my chemo appointment and my sweet son Josh meet us at the appointment and stayed with me at the appointment for the day. Jamie wanted to be their when they told us the results of the petscan so she took me so she could be there at the beginning when I met with Dr. Klein or the PA Nancy even though Josh was coming to be with me that day also. I really wasn’t nervous, I just figured the results would be what they were suppose to be. I think everyone else was a lot more nervous then I was. Nancy the PA came in and said good news on the petscan. That there was no metabolic activity and where I had several tumors that were any where from .1 cm – 2cm they didn’t show up (we think that means they are to small to be of any significance. I will have to clear that up Thursday at my stats appointment) and that I would only need two more treatments. Oh the joy and the gratitude I felt at that news was over whelming. I
hugged Jamie and when Josh came in Nancy told him the news we all had a big hug and of course I was crying a bit.

I wear a hat to my chemo appointment because I am there so long and my wigs get a bit hot and itchy. Several people commented on my hat. If you told me a few months ago I wouldn't mind wearing hats in public I would have told you you were crazy. But there you go, we all get to learn things about ourselves all the time. At the end of my appointment Josh told me that I was beautiful while I was sleeping during the first part of my treatment. Of course he is my son and has to think that but it was so tender and sweet when he said it. My children are awesome!

Because of a mix up in Wyoming Jack had to work in Wyoming Tuesday through Friday and so couldn’t be with me for my chemo treatment on Thursday. I called him at his ortho practice in Wyoming, he was with patients but he was so sweet and started crying. He is the best.

When I got home from my chemo, I just had to fall to my knees to thank my Heavenly Father and my Savior for this amazing blessing. I couldn’t thank my Father in Heaven enough. I didn’t ask for anything I just keep thanking him for all that he has given me and done for me. It truly is an amazing process to not ask for anything and to just give thanks to our Father and our Savior for their infinite love and for blessings to numerous to count. Elder Bednar related his experience with praying only in gratitude in our last General Conference (see November Ensign 2008) it has truly blessed my life these last months when I have taken the opportunity to pray only in gratitude.

Yes I am tired and not feeling so well, but how can that compare with the joy of this news? How can it compare to the beautiful collective sigh of relief of all my family and friends who have stood by my side, supported and loved me through this experience? My heart is bursting with love and gratitude for all of you. I wish I could give you all a big hug and wrap my love around you. You are the best and dearest. I love you.

To my dear family and friends, thank you, thank you, thank you, my pet scan came back with no metabolic activity which means the cancer has not progressed and has shrunk and I only need to have two more chemo treatments. I know it is because of all the fasting and prayers on my behalf that I am so blessed with this news. I thank my Heavenly Father and my Savior for their tender mercy and for this sweet answer to so many of our prayers. I will write more in a few days but I wanted to share the happy news as soon as possible. I love you all. Again thank you for your love and support.

Margo

Chemo Journal

March 10, 2009

Journal

I had the petscan this morning. It was a little better this time, because I knew what to expect. It is still hard to sit perfectly still for 45 minutes for the first part before the actually scan while the radioactive isotope is wandering through my body. The actual scan takes 30 minutes after the 45 minutes. On this part not only to you have to lay perfectly still you have to lay with your arms over your head so they won’t be in the way of the scan. I was okay until the last 5 minutes and I was thinking I might have to yell at them that I can’t do this anymore. I keep thinking of primary songs to sing in my head and finally they said I was done. The tech was impressed with how still I was and thankfully because I did lay so still I didn’t have to do it over. I won’t know the results until Thursday at my chemo appointment. So we will let everyone know by email and post it on www.margofeller.blogspot.com Thursday after my appointment or during it if I find out earlier in the day.



My cold has continued to get worse this week. I called my doctor yesterday early in the morning because it felt like it was settling in my chest and I said my cold wasn’t any better and it had been almost three weeks since it started. I started an antibiotic (Zpack) yesterday and today I finally have stopped coughing and I haven’t had to blow my nose every few minutes. I feel much better. It worked fast, thank goodness. I was thinking I wouldn’t feel better until I was done with all my chemo treatments.



Friday Jack and I went to get something to eat for lunch and I told him I didn’t care where we went to eat. Well we decided to go to Einstein’s Bagel. I thought they would have a soup I could enjoy with a bagel. Well I didn’t like either of the soup choices (turkey chili and Italian wedding soup) and I couldn’t bear to have the Mexican club sandwich because for the last three chemo treatments that is what I had asked to have brought to me for lunch and it was just too close to my coming up treatment to have it right then and just being in there made me get sick to my stomach. Jack was getting ready to order and I told him I didn’t want to eat there. He still acted like he was going to order so I said a little stronger than usual you know I will have to get something to eat somewhere else, right. So he turned back to the lady and just ordered a plain bagel to go because he was a little shocked and didn’t know what to do with me. After we left I asked him if he ordered the bagel because he felt bad about how vocal I had been at the counter he said partly but the he did like the bagel he ordered. It was pretty funny. He asked me where I wanted to go and again I said I didn’t care and he said well that’s not true.



With being sick and all I am afraid I have had a few more days where I wasn’t as positive as I need to be. But all is good now. I need to humbly express my gratitude to my loving Father in Heaven for placing so many amazing, loving people in my life. What would we do without our sweet family and friends to support us during the challenges in our life. You have all made this journey more bearable with your constant support, love and faith. I love you all so much and I am so thankful you are in my life. I thank everyone that fasted for me, that is truly an act of love, and I need to thank all my sweet little grandkids for their faith, love, sweet notes and especially for all those who fasted for me and all those that tried to fast for me.



We are looking forward with faith and no matter what the results are we will continue to fight this and conquer. As I have said many times, Go, Fight, Win!! Love to all!

Late Notice Fast and Prayer

On rather short notice some of Margo's family and friends are planning a fast on her behalf this weekend (March 7-8). We know that some of us participated in a fast last sunday as well, so this is certainly optional. We are anticipating a cancer free report when Margo has her follow-up scan early Tuesday morning March 10th so anytime between now and then would be fine. We are so, so grateful for all the expressions of love, faith, prayers, flowers, meals and fond wishes that have been offered in Margo's behalf. We truly see God's hand in our lives. Thank you so much!

Update on chemo round three

Cancer Journal March 3, 2009
This third chemo has seemed as hard as the first one as far as feeling yucky. I started with a cold and still have it and I am still not feeling real well. It comes and goes. I was a bit of a party pooper for Jack while we were in San Diego he had classes he attended all day from 8:00 – 5:00 we would go out to dinner and be back at our hotel room at 9:00 pm each night and go to bed around 10:00 pm. Yikes! So not me, actually Jack would go to bed and I would stay up for a little while longer. The first night we were at our hotel the fire alarm went off two times once around 12:30 am and the 2nd time an hour later just as we had barely fallen asleep from the 1st alarm. Well suffice it to say I didn’t have a very restful night.
San Diego is such a beautiful city, it is one of the cities that calls to me. The first time I went to San Antonio, Texas I told Jack that San Antonio called to me. Every time we go to a new city he asks me if the city we are visiting calls to me. There are only a handful of cities that do so far.
Sunday we went to church. We have been to this ward in San Diego several times because it is by our condo there. Since my chemo started I haven’t been to a Fast and Testimony meeting and felt like I had so much to thank Heavenly Father for. Because we have been there so often I felt comfortable bearing my testimony there. I started out saying that these last few months had been interesting. I said in December we sent a daughter to England on a mission and a son to Australia on a mission and found out I had Lymphoma cancer. I thanked my Heavenly Father for giving me this experience because of all the miracles that I have seen take place in my life and the life of those around me. I thanked Him for Jack and for his tender care of me and said it was pretty hard to wake up next to a bald women each day. I thanked him for my amazing family and extraordinary friends and loved ones and for my Savior’s atoning sacrifice so that I could be with all whom I love forever. I bore my testimony of my assurance that the gospel is true. Of course I left out tons of stuff I wanted to thank him for and bear witness to. When I was done, the person to bear their testimony next was Mitt Romney. Governor Romney and his family had just purchased a home in San Diego and he said they were going to live 6 months and a day somewhere else because he didn’t mind paying his 10% tithing to the Lord but he didn’t think he wanted to give the same to Governor Schwarzenegger . He is such a lovely eloquent man. He radiates goodness. After the meeting he was kind enough to ask me about my treatments.
Thinking about the miracles in my life, can anything be as sweet to our Heavenly Father or to us then to have little children fasting and praying for someone in need. As a mom I never would have thought to have my children learn more than the facts about fasting when they were baptized and I didn’t expect them to try to fast until they were 12 years old. Several of my little grandbabies (age 4 and up) have tried fasting for one meal so that I would get well and feel good. Can there be anything so humbling or so touching as to have these sweet innocent little children sacrifice their needs for someone else. My granddaughter Ana (age 4) before fasting for one meal she prayed “Dear Heavenly Father, Please bless that Heavenly Father will answer my prayers and please bless that my fasting will make Grandma feel good.”
Miracles are all around us we just have to open our “hearts” to see them.
I am keeping my fingers crossed for next Tuesday, PetScan day. My love for my Savior has increased so much since this experience has started. My love for all who care about me, who; pray, fast, put my name on the temple rolls, send notes, emails, call, bring meals and gifts has no bounds. I am truly blessed and surrounded by love.