This week has been much better for Margo both emotionally and physically. However, by the middle of the week hair was coming out in handfuls and so anticipating a more extensive loss of hair while we were in Phoenix at the Damon orthodontic meeting, I brought the clippers that I have had for years to trim a beard, and Margo brought one of the wigs she had bought with Jamie and Jacki and a one of the hats that Jed’s Jamie bought for her while we were in New Orleans for the Sugar Bowl . By Thursday night it became obvious that though not all her hair was gone, there was enough gone that there was no way to ‘fix’ it to make it look presentable. By this time I am sure that the J W Marriott Resort employee that serviced our room was wondering where all the hair in the bathroom was coming from anyway. So Thursday night, at Margo’s bidding (while sitting in the bathtub to partially contain the mess), I removed what was left of her hair. Immediately, I was impressed by the delicate features of her face, her pretty little neck and how her eyes sparkled (they glistened with not a few tears that night but this was something quite different from that). In a strange sort of way, this has given me an insight into a part of Margo’s beauty that I otherwise would have missed. My heart ached for her and I was really angry at first. All I could think of was a little verse that is on plaque that my dad had, when I was growing up (that I still have):
SAY DAMN
It does You no good to grow bitter,
When luck up and hands you a slam.
Lie down and You lose as a quitter,
Just grit your teeth and say DAMN!
Damn, damn, damn cancer indeed!
I so admire Margo’s courage and infectious positive outlook. She has been more concerned that it will frighten the grandkids to see her without hair than anything else. She has a complete lack of pretense or vanity for herself. This morning (Sunday January 25th) Jamie invited us downstairs for some multi-grain pancakes for breakfast and the grandkids wanted Margo to remove her hat so they could see. Upon removing her hat the older kids and Kari were evidently prepared , but Jackson who is 4 almost 5 blurted, “What the heck!”.
Prior to this diagnosis it would have been hard for me to imagine myself having any more tender feelings for her, and yet now those feelings have grown exponentially. I am profoundly grateful for my new insight and we are so appreciative of the many expressions of love and concern and the prayers offered in her behalf. Margo has commented to me how undeserving she feels to be the recipient of these offerings of love; but I hope that I have convinced her that they are the direct result of the kind of person she and the kind of life she has lived.

January 23, 2009

January 23, 2009
Another crazy week in my life. Jon had emailed us that he may be able to call us from the airport on Monday before he left for Australia. We had no idea when he would be leaving so I looked on line at times that flights would be leaving for Australia. There were 4 or 5 time possibilities. I almost decided to just go the airport and hang out on the chance I would see him, but I knew he would want me to be obedient and do as our leaders have asked us and not go to the airport when our missionaries are leaving for their missions from the MTC. He called around 4:00 pm and said “Hi, mom”, well that did it for me. I was brave while I was talking to him, but I cry every time I think of him. When he was at the MTC (mission training center) it was just like he was away on a trip and he would be back any second, but knowing he was leaving the country the far, far away part became a reality.
On Tuesday another reality set in. My hair started falling out. I had convinced myself that I would be one of the ones that wouldn’t loose their hair. Fat chance of that. Tuesday I tried to be real careful, and sprayed lots of hairspray on so that my hair would stay in place and hopefully stay on my head. Wednesday I tried to do the same thing with a lot less success. Thursday I became fascinated with seeing how much really would come out realizing that this would be the last day with a full head of hair for awhile because it was too sad and too hard to keep trying to put off the reality that it was all going to come out. Jack and I are at an orthodontic meeting in Phoenix. When he came back from his meeting at lunch time to check on me I told him we would have to shave my head. I dreaded the thought of it, and keep putting my wig and hat on trying to figure out what it would be like. My wig made me feel like I was one of the Beatles and my hat made me feel squished (flat). I wore my wig to dinner and a movie. By the time I got home it was hot and itchy and I could hardly wait to take it off. They told me this would be an emotional day no matter how hard you prepared for it. Well, they were right. Jack held me and told me I would be beautiful even without hair while I cried and told him I didn’t see how that would be possible. I finally decided the agony of waiting was over. We had wanted to have a hair party or something on Sunday with the grandkids where we could cut my hair or let them make designs in it, we hadn’t figured out exactly what we would do yet. But when my hair started falling out I thought wow this might be scary for the younger grandbabies to play with my hair and have it fall out in their hands. That decision was taken out of our hands because the shaver Jack had brought that was suppose to do three different lengths only wanted to work on the closest to the head length. He tried for a long time to make the other lengths work but it was pretty splotchy and uneven so in the end we had to go with the closest to the head length which is almost nothing left. It is almost a relief to have this part over with. The dreading and agonizing over it was way to time consuming. It is shocking to see yourself without hair and it is hard for me believe or see it, when after he was done Jack told me I was beautiful and had beautiful delicate features, but I think Heavenly Father helps us to look beautiful to those we love and who love us so I am thankful for that. So there you go another adventure to go on and lots of new experiences like wondering who that person is in the mirror, and wearing wigs and hats. I do have to say it was pretty easy getting ready this morning before I went to breakfast with Jack. Just throw on my wig and off I go. As I write this I am wearing a hat my cute daughter-in-law Jamie, insisted on buying me on our trip to the sugar bowl even though I thought at the time I will never wear this, but she assured me I would need it and I would be happy I had it. Well, she is right! I am not sure I will get to the point where I can wander around the house without something covering my head, because I will scare myself and the grandkids, but she assured me this to would happen also.
I feel great almost normal, this is suppose to be my good week before I start the process all over again. I have a little bit of a cold still, most foods taste different but good and water tastes okay.
I have so many blessings and I am so thankful for all that I have. I am so thankful for my precious family and for dear, dear friends. I can’t thank you enough for your words of encouragement, love and support.
Love,
Margo

Christmas 2008

We had a great Christmas!! Not to bad for a first try at the collage thing. Love to all.

Cancer Journal 1-17-09

January 17, 2009

I had to wait a few days to write because I wasn’t being very positive. Jack worked in Salt Lake on Monday, we packed up and I went with him to work in Rock Springs Monday night. For years he has told me how hard it is for him to be away from me. I have always loved to be with him but with the kids and stuff I have had to leave him on his own every now and then. Well, I have finally caught up to him and I can’t stand to be away from him so I went to Wyoming with him, knowing I would need to take a bus home Thursday to get to my post chemo 1 week office visit. I brought most of my work with me and I can use my lap top to get on my home computer so I had hoped to get lots done. One of the side effects of this cancer for me, is it is hard to stay focused. Even on movies, reading, etc. But I made myself buckle down and got some things done. It was great to be with him. The ride on the bus was fine. Jamie picked me up at the bus station (she offered to come to Evanston to pick me up if I could find a ride to Evanston) but it just seemed easier to do this way. I arrived a 20 minutes late to my appointment, I just couldn’t decide what to wear (seriously how lame is that). Only to find out that they had shifted me back a half hour because of a new patient. So, I was early (I hate being early, my perfect world is right on the dot on time). My red blood counts were good but my white blood counts were pretty low at 1.2 normal counts are 4.5-10 (I think that is how they explained it to me), which is the whole point of the chemo, but when they are that low you can easily get an infection and you won’t have anything to fight it. They are explaining all this to me and that they will give me a prescription for an antibiotic in case I develop an infection. As I leave the doctor’s office I feel like I have a bit of a sore throat and my voice is hoarse. I don’t think anything of it. I am pretty wiped out by the time I get home and try to lay down, sleeping during the day is almost impossible for me even with cancer, but I got in bed and laid down and thought maybe if I put a movie on it would help me rest. I started feeling really achy and feverish, so I got out my handy dandy thermometer (they give you one in your chemo packet yippee) and my temperature was 99.6. Well you aren’t suppose to go above 100.4 before you call the doctor. So I was getting a little concerned. Meanwhile my body starts doing some weird things. Dr. Kirk my son in law is a chiropractor and with my treatments he sometimes uses a machine called a TTens, that gives you a gentle shock like sensation. I wasn’t having a treatment, but it felt like every bone in my body was on the highest level or the TTens not like a gentle shock sensation but like you say hey could you come turn this down, this is a little too intense. As the afternoon progressed my fever went to 100 and my heart started racing. I finally called the doctor even though I hadn’t reached 100.4 and sure enough I had to start on the antibiotic. Yesterday, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. My tongue is numb, my bones ache, my head hurts, my throat is sore, I don’t know if I will ever feel good again and so a had a good pity party, Jack called to ask how I was doing and I cried for the first 5 minutes and Jamie come up several times to check on me and I had a good cry with her. So I am all good for the pity party thing at least for a little while. Last night Josh and Amber came and brought me yummy soup and homemade cornbread and we played a new game called Power Grid. When I went to bed I said I needed to start thinking of all the things that I do have that are so amazing and not concentrate on all I don’t have for the moment. A dear friend sent me a lovely bracelet that says “Follow the footprints of the Lord, they will lead you through troubled times and brighten your life.” I often find myself thinking of the poem about the footprints and the Savior carrying us over the hard times, even though at times it seems unbearable the only way to get through is by our faith and the knowledge that our Savior loves us and is there for us. My sweet visiting teacher came the other day and stressed in the lesson that when Christ bled for us at Gethsemane his blood sealed us to him. That brought me a great deal of comfort. I can’t express enough my thankfulness for such amazing, strong, family and friends. Your prayers and kindnesses in word and in deed truly strengthen me and continually humble me that you would concern yourself with such as I. I am trying to answer all the lovely emails and phone calls, the focusing thing isn’t helping me accomplish that very well but I am still working on it, so don’t give up on me. I will get back to you. Please know you are loved and so appreciated and I couldn’t make this journey without you.

Love to all my sweet, sweet angels,

Margo

3rd day after chemo

The good news is I am living and breathing. Yippee! We are on to the 3rd day. I don't feel like myself and I am having a hard time wrapping myself around what I need to do to be okay. Yesterday was a pretty good day, almost normal Jack and I went to the temple and to a movie and dinner. I can't seem to find my happy place (like what they say on the splash mountain ride in Disney land) and I just don't feel like myself. Jack played trains with me earlier today and Jamie and Kirk and kids played trains with me this evening and that seems to help, to have my loved ones around me. I know I will get through this. I just need to come to terms with it and realize it is only for a short time. Reminds me of Prophet Joseph in the liberty jail and all the other times when he felt despair and the words of comfort from our loving Father in Heaven that it will just be as a moment.

There is no getting around it, cancer really, really sucks. My tongue is a little numb and water tastes horrible. The doctor recommended crystal light and that helps a ton. It is hard to describe what you feel like, it is just so weird. I have little jabs of pain every now and then, a little bit of nausea. I think the emotional upheaval is the hardest, and still not knowing exactly what to expect. So anyway, this is a short update. I love you all so much. Thanks for your love, support and prayers. I know my redeemer lives, I don’t know how any of us could get through any of life’s trails without this knowledge. I am so blessed to have this knowledge and to know I am a daughter of a loving Father in Heaven who knows me and that my life is in his hands. May I make the most of this time, by growing closer to my wonderful family and friends and especially to my Savior.
I love you!

Margo's thoughts Chemo Morning

Until we can get Margo set up to post a blog I am still posting for her. She wrote these at 4:00 AM today:
Well the day has arrived. I think some of the symptom's have finally caught up with me. I feel really, really tired and felt like I could take a nap and actually go to sleep yesterday. I went to bed at 10:30 pm last night. I was up at 4:00 am so sleep time is about the same.I just wanted my precious family to know how much I love you. You are all amazing, loving, compassionate, talented, beautiful people you "rock my world". I know this is hard on all of us, but I have complete faith in my Heavenly Father and in my savior Jesus Christ. We will all get through this and be stronger, more faithful, more compassionate and better all around for the experience. It is so funny when we were sitting around at Thanksgiving and I said that I was just waiting for something to happen because we had it to good. I guess I had an inkling about what was coming up. When I look back over the last few months, I can see Heavenly Father's loving hand to make sure I was taken care of, to make sure I had sweet daughters near to help with getting me to appointments, making meals, go wig shopping etc. to make sure I was surrounded by family and love before I start this journey.You are my life. I have loved every minute I have spent with each of you. You have brought me such joy, I am proud of all you are doing, I am proud of all your righteous efforts and even your not so righteous efforts. I love being a mom! IT is the greatest job, blessing in the world. I know those of you who are a way are sad that you can't be here to help or whatever. But rest assured those that are near are doing a great job taking care of me. Your dad has been wonderful, compassionate, tender and I can't stand to be a way from him for very long. He is spoiling me rotten! Not sure what that means at my age.I found this card yesterday and was going to give to Jessica for her birthday but I will share it with you because it is how I feel about each of you. "Before I held you in my arms, I held you in my heart. That is where you began and where you will always be."So my sweet little family, onward to the fight. I am armed with a loving family, a righteous faithful husband who has and honors the priesthood, several beautiful priesthood blessings, your faith, prayers and love. What more do I need. Go, fight, win!All my love forever,Mom

An excerpt my Christmas letter to my family

As you might imagine, I have had a great deal on my mind over the last 3-4 weeks. There is nothing like a life threatening disease to help to clarify your thoughts and emotions. I am absolutely convinced that one of the most important lessons that we should take away from the family crisis relating to your mother’s health is that we need to savor every moment that God gives us to spend with our family and express love frequently and fervently, hug each other a little tighter and show our love with kind words and actions. In one of President Monson’s most recent conference addresses he counseled that we should find joy in the journey. I really feel that up until this point my life has been a fairy tale existence. For reasons previously unknown to me, over the last year or so, I have been praying that I would be given the strength to face whatever difficulty Heavenly Father would see fit to allow me to face. The notion that if we can’t be given an easy burden, may we at least be given broad shoulders and strong back is better in theory I think than it is in reality. In hindsight, we have to be very careful what we pray for.
The ENT doctor that first gave us the news about the lymphoma said that things happen for a reason. I have struggled with what the reason for this might be, since I am convinced that the lessons needed to be learned are for those who love and know Margo and not for her. Could we not learn how to be more loving, supportive and compassionate and really appreciate the power of the priesthood at someone else’s ‘expense’? Now after several weeks have passed, it has been incredibly humbling to see all the expressions of love, the prayers and faith in your mom’s behalf. We have had countless people communicate to us that they have put your mom’s name on the prayer roll in the temple. We all know the affect that your mom has on anyone she meets: to know her is to love her. To once again paraphrase the big blue Genie, “You ain’t never had a friend like her”! We have had ward members who previously had had little or no communication with her come up and hug her and express their love and best wishes.
I’ll confess the first day or two experiencing the suffocating darkness of despair with contemplation of life without my dearest Margo. I couldn’t breathe for the oppressive weight that I felt on my heart and soul. For one with no first-hand experience with depression in a clinical sense, this is a terrifying experience. She is my everything!! I had an admittedly selfish vision of myself ending up an inconsolable, bitter, angry, lonely old man; our plans for missions and travel thwarted by the grim reaper. Gratefully, answered prayers and faith in the Savior snatched me back from that terrible nightmare. I take great comfort in D&C 122: “ …if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou my son, that all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than He?” Our ‘little’ trial seems insignificant by comparison when viewed from that perspective, does it not? But I can identify with the very jaws of hell since that would be my life without her. Your mom said to me a few days ago that she will miss being ‘spoiled’ when this is all over. I hope that we can all continue to spoil her long after her recovery, for she deserves all that and more.
Looking at Jamie’s cancer experience now through much different eyes, I find myself very sorry for not having really understood in my heart what Jed and Jamie and their little family have weathered in their battle against this terrible disease. Jed and Jamie, I hope that you will forgive us all for not being able to grasp the terrible reality of your struggle. You are our heroes for your courage, faith and example! You have helped me for sure and hopefully the rest of us to prepare to face our current challenge. The question Satan poses is this: We will remain faithful with an increase in love, faith, understanding and commitment to the gospel or will we be faithless and desperate? I see the evidence of the blessings Jed and Jamie have received as a consequence of their faithfulness. We might ask them what lessons they have learned and are they different people now than they were before the trial of their faith? After hearing Jed bare testimony this summer, I know the answer.

Margo's post holiday pre chemo comments

The Holidays were a blur. Planning, feeding, sleeping 40 (39 forgot to subtract Jessica) people for over a week is crazy. We ate out a bit. They were wonderful times and didn't give me any time to worry about me. But after Jon's farewell on Sunday December 28 until December 31 I was pretty sad. Hard to let your baby go let alone two of them. Kind of a triple whammy. Send off two missionaries, become empty nesters and find out you have cancer all in the same month. I guess I can be little sad now and then. Yesterday morning when Jack and I were saying prayer. He turned to me and said, so it is just the two of us, of course I started crying. Then he said it will be okay that is the way we started out, just the two of us. Gotta love that guy.

For Christmas, my Jamie, my daughter-in-law Jamie and I gave our guys tickets to the Sugar Bowl. So we packed up and the six of headed to the Sugar Bowl for the weekend. A last hurrah for Jack and I. Go Utes!! It was amazing to be there at such a great game. The Ute fans hardly sat down the whole game. It was awesome.
So on to the saga of my life: I didn't lose any weight (one of the symptoms of the cancer) and then I found out that one of the drugs they are going to give me causes weight gain. UGH! This has been a standard conversation with Heavenly Father. I just don't get why we have to worry about weight and the guys can take it off by just thinking about it. I think we should have got a better deal, like instant flat bellies, no dieting, I don't mind being curvy but seriously why not make it a little easier for the person who is bearing, nurturing, nursing, chauffeuring, teaching etc. etc. trying to raise stripling warriors of righteousness. Just kidding (kind of)!

Funny story, I thought I was getting my port in yesterday. I missed the appointment because when I was going to do chemo in December they set it up at 3:00 pm on Dec 15, but when I rescheduled it for January it was set up for 9:00 am. I thought it was strange I hadn’t heard from them (the Doctor’s office) because I was pretty sure some type of surgery was involved. So I got the card out to call at 11:00 am to see if I needed someone to drive me to the appointment and pick me up. As I looked at the card I realized I had totally missed my appointment. I called and they told me that they could see me on Thursday. I informed them that my chemo started on Thursday. They said that it wouldn’t work. I asked if there was someone else they would recommend as I was starting my chemo on Thursday. She huffed and puffed and finally said that I would need to be there at 2:00 pm sharp. When asked about driving myself she said it wouldn’t be a problem because it was a consultation. Dr. Todd came in and told me a little bit about the procedure and said so you are having surgery tomorrow and I said sure. Anyway, everyone acted like it wasn’t a big deal so I just thought in and out surgery, local anesthetics and bing, bang, boom I would be done. I called the nurse back to ask her how long the surgery would take and she told me 30 minutes, so I told Jamie that we shouldn’t be too long if the surgery was only 30 minutes. Well 4 hours later I am at home. In my room while waiting for surgery the nurse was asking me tons of questions, what pills I was taking, surgeries, any other diseases beside lymphoma (isn’t that enough?) and finally after all that she asked if I was Diabetic I said not yet. We all had a good laugh on that one. Right after my surgery the nurse said if I had any pain to let her know and she could give me some morphine pain medicine. A bit latter I said that maybe I would like some pain medication she said rate your pain on a scale from 1 to 10, I so wanted to say 8, say 8 but I said it was only a 3. Then I asked her if she knew about Brian Regan the comedian and his comedy act about the hospital (she didn’t). We have some of his comic acts on dvd if you haven’t heard him he is a riot. It was pretty funny.
The port is in, I survived, it isn’t to bad feels like a muscle that needs a good massage. I am happy to have that behind me and realize that my Savior is standing right beside to help me get through all this. I honestly don’t know how anyone gets through these things without knowing their Savior. I take great comfort in knowing that is what my sweet little missionaries are doing, helping people to know they have a living Savior, Jesus Christ and a Heavenly Father and Mother who love them and are beside them carrying them when the times are tough. Looking forward to Jack giving me a priesthood blessing Wednesday night. Not looking forward to the chemo so much.
I love you all so much. It is truly a blessing to have so many family and friends looking out for me, the power of prayer is so real. I know that is why I am staying positive (most of the time) because of your love and support. I will be strong and I will get through this with flying colors (maybe a little faded) with all of your help, concern, emails, notes of love and support. Truly I am humbled and so thankful for all of you. I see the Lord’s hand in my life every day and thank him for all my many, many blessings.
I love you!