Jack and I in our fancy duds for Dave's graduation dinner in San Francisco June 12, 2009

Journal August 2, 2009

We went to Utah Lake yesterday. It was so great. It was the first time I was on the lake this year. I also went to Jacki’s and took Jackson with me yesterday morning for Logan’s birthday party (he turned 3 yesterday). Then Jackson and I met up with dad, Mindi and Dave and kids at the lake. I brought lunch from Wendy’s with me, of course they messed up the whole order. I ordered 4 grilled chicken club sandwiches, two regular and two without mayo, they came as fried chicken clubs on three of the orders and one spicy chicken no club. I didn’t check them at Wendy’s and it was too late to do anything about them on the lake. But it was still fun.

My hair is growing slowly. It has so many curliques that it looks a lot shorter than it is. I mostly go without my wig around the house. But I have an added bonus of more hair growing on my face. I feel like the bearded lady in the circus. Jack says it isn’t that bad but I don’t feel very beautiful. But oh well, I am happy to be alive.

This was catch up week for me because we have been gone so much this last month. So I was mostly in my office all week. I had been working on sending packages to Jon, Jess, Jett, Ben, Jordan and Bradon. I finally got them all ready and mailed Friday. I bought Jon and his friends matching ties. I thought it would be way cool if they chose a day each month to wear the tie to remind them of their friendship and the great unity of serving together as missionaries throughout the world. A little hokey I know, but I still wanted to do it. It made me happy to think of them doing it so even if they don’t I will be happy thinking they are.

My lesson today for Sunday School class (I teach the 12-14 year olds) is on Peace in Troubled Times. The scripture reference is Ephesians 6: 10-18
10 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.
11 Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.
12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
13 Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
14 Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;
15 And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;
16 Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.
17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:
18 Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;

My favorite quote in the lesson is from Prophet George Albert Smith. He gave this promise to church members to remember in troubled times. “There are two influences in the world. The one is the influence of our Heavenly Father and the other is the influence of Satan. We can take our choice which territory we want to live in, that of our Heavenly Father or that of Satan. There is a line of demarcation, well defined. On one side of the line is the Lord’s territory. On the other side of the line is the devil’s territory. If you will stay on the Lord’s side of the line, you are perfectly safe, because the adversary of all righteousness cannot cross that line.”
Then my lesson ends with these profound and true words. This world increasingly challenges our faith in God and our standards of righteousness. If we would be able to stand, as Paul says, we must prepare now by wearing the armor of righteousness. With it we can move forward knowing that all will be well. Our righteousness will bring us peace even in the midst of troubled times. So, there you go. Wonderful words from a Prophet and so needed today.

I am trying to set up a time to go to the lake with friends and family. I need to go up to Jordanelle and Deer Creek and see if I can see an area where people can hang out while they are waiting for turns to ride the boat. We use to do this all the time a Flaming Gorge. We would load up food, chairs, games etc for the day. The difference is that there were lots of beach areas where you could bring the boat right up to where you were hanging out and so it was easy to trade people in and out of the boat and everyone still had fun even if they weren’t in the boat.


I know this church is true. I am so thankful to have to missionaries out in the world sharing this glorious news. I love my family so much. I love my Savior and I am so thankful for the atonement, for the opportunity we have to repent and try harder to live as Heavenly Father wants us to. I have so many blessings, so much in my life. I sometimes feel like I want to sing/shout right out loud with the joy of it all (sometimes I do when no one is around because that would be embarrassing if someone heard me shouting for no reason). I want to try harder to stand for righteousness, to wear the armor of God, to be part of the Lord’s territory at all times.

July 2-5, 2009 Family Reunion: Jed, Jamie & family, Jamie, Kirk & family, Marci, Eric & family, Josh, Amber & family

These pictures where taken as each family left our Feller Family Reunion. Even though we aren't all dressed up and fancy we are a dang cute family.

July 2-5 2009 Family Reunion: Jacki, Brian & family, Mindi, Dave & family, Jack & I.

July 2-5, 2009 More reunion pictures

July 2-5, 2009 and yet again more reunion pictures

Our family pictures from this reunion are in my August posts!

July 5, 2009
Happy Birthday land that I love!!! I am so blessed to live in America. I am scared for some of the directions we are going but have faith that our leaders will remember the freedoms that have made our America so great.
It has been crazy here for the past few weeks. I had my petscan June 29th and received the results on Thursday July 1st. I am still cancer free. So yeah for me! I was a little nervous to go to my result appointment, but there you go I am good.
A few years ago we decided to start are own immediate family reunion. I was I afraid if we didn’t get it started that we wouldn’t be able to find a time for all of us that didn’t interfere with spouses reunions and stuff. So our little family reunion was over July 4th. It was Jed and Jamie’s year to be in charge and they arranged for us to rent a cabin up Sundance area. It was so beautiful and so fun. But our life was crazy busy getting ready for it. Marci and her kids arrived last Monday evening. Jed and Jamie arrived from visiting Jamie’s family in Green River on Wednesday early afternoon. Eric arrived Wednesday night. The reunion started Thursday. With shopping, packing, planning etc. it has been go, go, go. The reunion was awesome. I love all my kids so much and my grandkids are so darling and so fun to be with, that even though I am a little sleep deprived I wouldn’t change any of it (except for it to last longer) for a minute.
We had planned to take the boat to the reunion but as we were pulling out of the driveway the boat trailer came unhooked as we rounded the driveway, we heard a funny noise and I looked behind us and saw the boat and trailer come toward us at an odd angle. The trailer hit the curb which I am sure stopped it from causing more damage than it did. The back of the truck will need some paint and the plastic casing over the trailer part where you cinch up the anchor is damaged. After we looked at the damage and with Jamie and Marci’s helped put the trailer back on we decided to go ahead and bring it. As we continued on down the windy road to the freeway the rain just started pouring. Jack asked where we were going to park the boat. I called Jed and Jamie to see if they had arrived at the cabin yet to see if they thought we could park a boat under the carport. They hadn’t arrived yet, we knew it would be up a windy canyon road and Jack asked if we would have enough room to maneuver parking the boat. On the way down the hill to the freeway Jack made an executive decision to not bring the boat. We turned around and took the boat home. By the time we turned around and brought the boat home the boat was soaking wet and Jack and I where drenched through and through just parking the boat in the garage. We left at 2:00 pm and got to the cabin a 4:30 pm (should have been there by 2:45 or 3:00 pm). We had Gabe, Isaac and Karsten with us. They had been in the car almost 3 hours and we didn’t hear a peep out of them until we were about 10 minutes from the cabin and then they wanted to know if we where almost there. They were totally involved with their DS’s which was so great in this situation because it was pretty scary, plus we had the thunder (really loud), lightning and a pretty amazing rain storm.
Everyone was to the cabin in time for a yummy dinner. We just visited and played games the rest of the evening. Friday we went on a short hike as the road ended and we couldn’t get where we wanted to. We played family cranium and Pictionary which with the kids. We had delicious meals each day because we have such amazing cooks in our family and tons of snacks. Friday night we played Mafia until 2:00 am. I am sure you can guess who was still up playing till the very end, yeah it was me. Saturday we played poor man’s paint ball. You put flour and marshmallows in a bag and shake them up divide in teams and throw the marshmallows at the opposing team we had dark shirts and light shirts teams, but soon it didn’t matter because you couldn’t tell who was light or dark because of all the flour. The kids had a blast. Amber brought all the stuff for it, they had played it in YM and YW. Josh had made swords out of noodles for a Get the treasure game where you have to run to the treasure without getting hit by the sword. Saturday night we went to the Staduim of Fire. Today we just packed up after breakfast and took a few pictures of the families as they left. I went to bed about 2:00 am each night and got up about 8:00 am which normally I wouldn’t even blink an eye but since the end of my chemo I have been sleeping 7 – 8 hours per night, so I am exhausted. But, very happily exhausted. I love being with my family. I cried a little as they all left. Big surprise I know.
Jamie and Kirk have a little nephew who was run over by his older brother in a truck Tuesday night before the Reunion. It has been an amazing experience to see the Lord’s hand blessing this family and this little boy. He isn’t quite two and the damage was so extensive to his head they didn’t think he would last the night. But through priesthood blessings and Heavenly Father’s tender mercies he has pretty much healed himself. All the doctors and everyone are amazed at his progress. Miracles truly surround.
I am so thankful for all the miracles that Heavenly Father places in our lives. Wow, the trailer thing could have been a disaster, my petscan could have turned out differently, everyone traveling safely to all our different activities, little Alex, all amazing miracles which I am so thankful for. I know the church is true. I know we have a loving Father in Heaven and Savior, Jesus Christ who want to bless our lives if we will let them. Love to all!! Life is great!!!

This last month has been a bit crazy!

June 7, 2009

I had a new darling wig. When I went to Wyoming with Jack a few weeks ago last Sunday I had taken it off and put it on the floor in the backseat of the truck. I think the metal on the seats or the floor must have gotten hot and melted the fibers on my wig a little bit. It isn’t too bad, most people can’t tell but it isn’t as easy to comb and it doesn’t look quite the same. So there you go even if you have wigs you still can have hair problems. Life is a joyous round of opportunities don’t you think?

It is beautiful and green here Jack has been doing his gardening thing and everything looks wonderful. I am getting ready for our family reunion which will be over the 4th of July. I want to put together books for each family of some of our stories and some pedigree charts. I will see if I get any of that done.

We had a lovely weekend with my mom and dad and my sister Bev and brother in law Ken a few weeks ago in St. George where they live. Jack and I visited with my mom and dad for about 45 minutes on Saturday night. After visiting with my parents we went to Texas Roadhouse with Bev and Ken. Sunday we went to church at Ridgeview assisted living chapel with mom and dad. My dad passed the sacrament as he usually does and they asked me to give the closing prayer. I cried in the pray as I thanked Heavenly Father for blessing our lives with our moms and dads, it was embarrassing (a little) but heartfelt and my mom and dad felt loved so I guess that is okay. My mom didn’t want to lay down after the meeting because she didn’t want to miss a single second with us, but we were going to Stacy and Kirby’s for dinner (my sister’s son and daughter in law) and Bev said she would be to tired if she didn’t lay down for a little bit so after an hour and a half of Jack and I visiting with them we left so mom would lay down. It was a lovely visit. We got to see two of my sweet nieces and nephews and their families.

I have been reading the conference talks and loved President Eyring talk on Adversity. I loved all of his comments. One of the sections of scripture he used was when Joseph Smith was in the Liberty jail.
“O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? “How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries?” The Lord’s reply has helped me and can encourage us all in times of darkness. Here it is: “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;“And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.“Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.“Thou art not yet as Job; thy friends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they did Job.
I especially love the part about “thy friends do stand by thee”. What a blessing it is to have a loving family and sweet friends that stand by you at all times. We are so blessed to have such a wonderful Father in Heaven and Savior that has placed in our lives earthly angels to stand by us.

June 21, 2009

Dave's graduation was so cool. Thursday night we flew into San Francisco with Jamie and Kirk, we met Marci and Eric in Oakland our flight got in three hours late so we decided to wait for them. Josh and Amber where suppose to arrive at 8:00 pm but flew in the next day because their flight was delayed until 1:00 am Friday morning. We thought we would just take a cab everywhere but at the last minute I rented a car at the airport for $194.00 from National and a van for $464.00 from Alamo. We decided to get a van at National even though we had only reserved a car because there would be 8 of us When we got to the rental pick up place we picked out a van (luckily it had 8 seats) and drove up to the window to check out. Because they had so many vans available they let us have it for the price quoted for a car. I was so excited that it worked out that way. We found a place to eat by the airport and then picked up Marci and Eric. By the time we got to San Fran and found our little duplex house it was after midnight. Mindi and Dave wanted us to be to their place to help load the moving truck at 8:00 am Friday morning and Jack, Jamie, Kirk, Marci and Eric all wanted to run at the Presido before helping pack the truck. Josh and Amber needed a ride at 9:30 am. I dropped everyone off and ran to the Bart (Josh and Amber took the shuttle and train from Oakland to downtown San Fran) to pick up Josh and Amber. We helped pack the truck for three or four hours, then headed back to our place to shower. Then we headed to Mama's a fun little breakfast place that is only open until 3:00pm got there around 2:00 pm. Ran the boys to china town and the girls to get pedicures and manicures then picked everyone up and headed to our place for Jack and I get to all dolled up for the fancy dinner at the Ritz for Dave's graduation. Jack brought his tux and had bought a new cumberband and bow tie at Nordstrom's before we left and I got a beautiful dress at Dillard's. Mindi had worked her magic and transformed a sleeveless gown into a beautiful chic modest gown that was absolutely gorgeous. Dave looked great in his tux. I will post a picture as soon as I down load them. Saturday was The Thank a Bunch brunch which we attended with Mindi and Dave, and Dave’s parents. It started at 10:30 am and didn't get over until 1:30pm. The kids had walked to golden gate park and wanted us to pick them up and take them downtown. I was so excited about my dress for Friday night that I forgot to pack a dress for church and for Dave's graduation so I needed to go to the downtown mall, dad needed to pick up his silk jacket from the cleaners and we were to be to the The Prime Rib restaurant by 4:30 for Dave's graduation dinner with our family and his family. Sunday we had 9:00 am church, we had to pack up and be out of our little house by noon. Graduation was at 2:00 pm. We had to eat before graduation. Graduation ended around 4:30 pm. Pictures etc. Marci and Eric needed a ride to the Bart station (they almost missed their plane). Jamie was taking Molly home so Mindi and Dave wouldn't have to travel with her. We hit traffic on the way to the airport. Jamie and Kirk's flight was leaving at 8:15 pm to come home and our flight was suppose to leave at 8:45 (it was an hour late again) they barely made their flight. We loved every hectic minute.
Jack and I had a wonderful 5 days at the condo in San Diego. Each day we would go to the beach for 2- 3 hours, play scrabble at the beach (I am still the queen of scrabble), I won three out of five games. The weather was beautiful until Friday and Saturday. We still went to the beach on Friday but I had a sweatshirt on the whole time. We went to the temple Friday. I slept 7-8 hours almost every day we were there. I know, totally crazy. I think that is what my body’s schedule would like to be if I could pull it off every day. Go to bed between 12:00 and 12:30 and sleep until 8:00 to 8:30 am.
The gospel is true. I love my Savior and my Heavenly Father. We are truly a blessed family, blessed beyond measure. I am so thankful for the restored gospel. I thank our prophet Joseph Smith and Emma for all they sacrificed so that the gospel could come forth in this dispensation. I know we have a living prophet today in Thomas S. Monson and I know he is called of God. I am so thankful for my family. I am so thankful for my sweet missionaries and the rest of my awesome family.

June 28, 2009
Lots of news this week: Dave (our son in law) found out he passed the Dental boards. Jacki and Brian think they sold their house and they bought a lot in Daybreak (which is right by the new Oquirrah Temple (11000 S 3000 W). Jamie and Kirk are deciding on a builder for their home and hope to have it completed by next June and possibly be a home in the parade of homes. Jed and Jamie made an offer on a vacation home in Phoenix that has a lake and dock as part of its package.

It has been a little crazy around here the last few days. The week started off with me getting way behind. Aaron our accountant needed my Qbooks before Jack and I left for Dave’s graduation (from Dental School). He was suppose to get them back to me Thursday before we left. He had some questions and I didn’t get the message in time so I didn’t get them back from him. Monday I called him and told him I desperately needed them as I was already two weeks behind only to find out he was out of town until Wednesday. I had planned to go with Jack to Wyoming, but I couldn’t go because I didn’t have my Qbooks back on my computer with all the accountant’s corrections that he had made on them. If I use them before I have the updated version with what Aaron (the accountant) has done on the files from all our different companies (7) when I download the files from the accountant it won’t transfer any work I have done so I had to pay bills and write checks and then remember to enter them after I received my Qbooks. I final got them from Aaron late Wednesday morning. This was all very stressful because I have tons to do to get ready for the family reunion and kids in and out of my room which I love them to be here but it is a distraction and hard to get my stuff done. Dave’s brother’s temple wedding was Friday morning and I watched the girls for them, I had had them the night before because Jamie had a nephew’s (on the Wersland side) graduation to attend so she asked me to watch them and pick up Mindi and Dave from the airport. Their flight was an hour late. Friday while I was watching the girls Jacki called and asked if they could come up and spend the night and if I could watch their kids for them while they look at houses. So I had a melt down for a minute, not because I didn’t want to do it but because I just have so much to do to get caught up. But no worries, I remembered that if I don’t get everything done that I want to for the reunion it will be okay I can do it for the next one. Also Friday night Jed flew in and needed a place to stay and a car to borrow to go to Wyoming.

Jacki and Brian if the sale on their house goes through, want to live with us while there house is being built. It would be done by December. So we will have a house full. I told them we would get to see what it was like to live a polygamous life style (with three extra guys.

I am a little scared for my pet scan tomorrow. I will have the results by Wednesday. I am not scared of the pet scan but just what it could mean.

I have had a cold on top of all the craziness going on. But other than that I feel great.

I know the church is true. I know the scriptures are true and that the Book of Mormon has so many answers to everyday life problems. I love my Heavenly Father and my Savior. I know we have a living prophet today who has revelation from our loving Heavenly Father. I am so thankful that I have been blessed with my amazing family and a dear loving companion, my Jack. I am thankful for his example, for his worthiness to bear the Holy Priesthood and the ability to use it to bless each of us. What an awesome power to be able to have in our home. I am thankful for the atonement and the power of repentance. I am thankful that I have an older brother who loves me so much that he would give up his life to save mine. I am so blessed.

May 30, 2009
I had my port taken out Thursday. It was an interesting procedure. They used a local and then cut in the same place they had used to insert it (I think I haven’t seen it yet because it is still steri stripped). I lot of pulling tugging and snipping and then a really weird sensation and a pop as the tubing that was in the vein going to my heart came out. Then more pushing and tugging and a lot more snipping, just when I thought I was going to be sick because it seemed like the doctor was snipping lots of stuff, he pulled out this little metal disk almost shaped like those small heart chocolates you see around Valentine’s day with about 5 inches long of tiny tubing attached to it. What a wonderous age we live in. The whole process took about 20 minutes. The area around the stitches and where he was pulling and tugging has been a little sore, but other than that I am good to go.
Funny story kind of: On Monday Pond’s plumbing came to service the air conditioner and Paco was at the house to faux paint the laundry room, the guest bathroom, the master bathroom and my office. Anyway, after I had showered and got mostly dressed, I didn’t have my wig on and I had a camisole on but not the shirt/jacket I was going to wear over it. It was getting really hot in the bathroom with the door shut and thought I could sneak out and shut my bedroom door so I could leave the bathroom door open to get some air into the bathroom so it wouldn’t be so hot. I had my mascara in one hand and opened the bathroom door and was just going to rush out and shut my bedroom door, well I am sure you guessed that of course the Pond’s plumbing guy his name is Dan was looking for me and had come into my room trying to find me just as I opened the door from the bathroom. I am not sure who was more shocked him or me. I nonchalantly said oh are you ready for me to sign something, he said he was I just said okay just a minute, I shut the door and had to laugh at myself and take a big breath as of course I was twice as hot now. I put a hat on (I thought at that point a wig would be pointless) and my shirt and went out to sign the papers and tried to act like it was the most common thing in the world to see a bald, partial dressed woman waving a wand of mascara around.
This week on Wednesday morning I went to Jackson’s preschool graduation. They did a mother goose theme, the kids repeated a mother goose rhyme for each of the kid’s that was graduating. Jackson’s was Jack be Nimble and he was in front and had a candlestick he jumped over. It was very cute.
Thursday Karsten had Rad kids graduation. It is a program to teach kid’s self defense against anyone who tries to kidnap them or harm them teaching them to yell, kick, elbow and peck at eyes. It is a very cool program. Addy turned to me and said she hoped that Karsten wouldn’t try any of those moves on her. I told I didn’t think she had to worry about Karsten because he understood when to use them, but that she might have to worry about her other little brother, Jackson.
We had theater tickets from Sterling Financial (like we have had in the past) Jacki, Brian and kids came with us as well as Kelly and Becki. We saw the new animated movie from Disney/Pixair called Up. It was really cute, as usual I cried in it. I was getting better about crying at a drop of the hat but since my missionaries left and since I was diagnosed with cancer it is just as bad if not worse than ever.
Today (Saturday) Jack and I went to Austyn and McCaden’s dance recital. They have so many kids that take dance out in Josh and Amber’s area that they had to divide the kids into two groups. One started at 10:30am and one started at 1:00pm McCaden’s was in the morning and Austyn’s was in the afternoon. It was really fun to watch them. They did a great job.
From there we are headed to St. George to see dad and mom and Bev and Ken. Dad has been falling a lot lately. He hurt his elbow in a fall last week and Thursday night he fell and my mom called Bev crying at 3:00 am to come help him because he couldn’t get up.
We are looking into trying to do some church service around home so I emailed for some information about hosting church events at the conference center and temple square to helping with inner city missions. We have to get interviews with the bishop and stake president and then go from there. So we might be able to do some type of service mission while our kids are serving their missions. We will have to see if our erratic schedule will fit into any service area the church has.
Jack has been so sweet and loving. I can’t imagine traveling any road without him and his constant love and support. It always amazes me that he loves me so much, in spite of all my little quirks and oddities. I love you sweetheart.
My life is glorious, my blessings so numerous I can’t count them. I love my Heavenly Father and my Savior. I am so thankful to be here on this beautiful earth. I am so thankful for precious family and dear friends what would life be like without these earthly angels that Heavenly Father has blessed our lives with? Love to all, you are the best of the best!!!

May 23, 2009 Journal

We had stake conference last week. One of the speakers on Sunday morning gave a talk that really helped me to understand a principle of the gospel that I have been struggling with. I always wondered how Heavenly Father could keep forgiving us for making the same mistakes over and over again. She used the example of patience. She said that every night she would pray for forgiveness for being impatient with her kids and said how she would try to do better but she always felt how could He keep forgiving her for not learning this lesson of patience that she kept asking forgiveness for and asking help with. She felt unworthy to keep asking for his help when she was impatience with her children the very next day. A few days later she was listening to her little girl practice on the piano and it came to her (through a still small voice), that she wasn’t upset with her daughter for all the mistakes she was making on the piano selection, in fact she loved that she was trying over and over to get it right. A little voice whispered to her this is how it is with Heavenly Father. This life is our practice session, we keep practicing each principle over and over until we have it down and then we move on to the next principle. He is willing to forgive us over and over because he knows this is our practice time some things we may need to practice on for most our life and other things we will master and move on. It was like an epiphany to me.

We are on our way to Green River to run in the 5k Memorial Race for the year anniversary of Keith Young’s death. I can’t believe it has been a year from his death. That was a crazy time. Jon was graduating from High School. He had lacrosse stake finals, and track state finals. Marci had just had Meg I went out for 3 or 4 days at the beginning of the month and then I asked Jessica if she would go out to help Marci for a few more days because it was such a busy time and I couldn’t stay longer. While Jessica was there Marci had appendicitis and had her appendix removed. It was such a blessing that Jessica was there when it happened. But it was a stressful and busy time. Anyway back to traveling to Green River, Jamie and Kirk are coming with us. The race is at 10:00 am Saturday. We will run the race, visit for a bit, shower and then head back home.

Mindi and Dave came in on Wednesday evening. They went to Logan Thursday and where suppose to be there until tomorrow, but Dave has an appointment with a dentist in Provo for an associateship tomorrow morning so they will be home without us for a day darn it.

Sunday May 24
We are now back home from the race and it is Sunday morning. I was pretty impressed with myself, I came in 74th in the race and my time was 42 minutes and 17 seconds for a 5 k. They said they had around 380 runners/walkers. Jack signed me up for a runner although I don’t run the whole time I run two minutes and walk a minute or something like that. But it was good he signed me up for that because if you were a walker you couldn’t run at all. A cute friend said she was going to have to talk to her personal trainer because here I was I had Lymphoma and I beat her. The Young’s are an awesome family. It was a real honor to participate and be part of Keith’s memorial run. We saw so many dear people that have impacted our lives. It was wonderful to be there.

This is the Thursday I would usually have my chemo treatment. I am so glad that I don’t have to go in for that today. Hip Hip Hooray! I feel great. I feel like it was a dream and I finally woke up.

It is sad how quickly when a crisis is over our total dependence on the Lord slacken s a bit. Worldly thoughts and feelings come back in a rush. Before I was hoping to live through this experience and every day was a gift. Now I am worrying about how long will it take for my hair to grow back (it seems like it will take forever), dieting, wrinkles and insecurities. My feelings seemed to change overnight from how grateful I am for who I am to worrying about all my short comings and all the things I need to improve on.

This experience gave me the opportunity to be humbled and over flowing with gratitude for each day and for each person in my life. It gave me the opportunity to learn more about my Savior and my Heavenly Father. I want to do all I can to continue to have the feeling of gratitude and love for my Heavenly father and my Savior as I did through this experience. To remember I am a daughter of a Father in Heaven who knows me and loves me and blesses my life in ways I never thought possible. I want to remember the wonderful power of prayer and the strength I received everyday from all who were praying for me. I want to remember always how loved and cared for I felt by all my sweet family and dear friends.

Sunday was a great day. I got to talk to all my kids including my missionaries. It was so wonderful. I talked to Jessica in the morning and Jonathan at night. Since Australia is 17 hours ahead of us Jon called on his P-day. We called Jessica per her instructions at a member’s home at 10:30 am on Sunday morning. They both sounded so great. Just a few times did I have to stop talking so they wouldn’t hear the tears in my voice.

Mailing packages to my missionaries can be a little scary and frustrating. Last Friday I was mailing packages to Jessica and Jonathan. I weighted the packages and did the online postage thing because you save about $2.00 per package if you print your postage online. I used my bathroom scale to weigh the packages. I thought I had the right weight. When I added the weight of the contents of the packages they came to about the weight that I had got from my bathroom scale. Another advantage of doing your packages from home is that this way you just have to drop the packages off on the counter by a postal worker. I was watching my granddaughter Kari so I got her all buckled in the car and got my packages and off we went to the post office. We headed into the post office. I let the postal worker know that the packages were there and we left to go to my car. The postal worker came running after me all huffy and puffy and told me that the weights were all wrong. He kept muttering about what a big head ache it was going to be to fix it and all the paper work. I asked him what he wanted me to do and he said well you made the mistake you take them home and fix it. It is a small post office with only one postal worker and the line was backing up, but I still thought wow, this guy has had a bad day. When I came back home I decided to do the priority mail flat rate box that is the same price as long as what you are mailing fits unto the box and weights less than 20 lbs. (I think). It was only $1.50 more so I requested a refund online for the other postage. By this time there was no way I would get to the post office before 4:30pm so I had to do postage for the next day. Saturday I printed the postage packed my two boxes in the flat rate medium size boxes, grabbed my tape and scissors and headed to the post office thinking this will be a snap. I would have done all of it at home but I decided since it was the same price I could add more weight to the boxes so I stopped at the store to add more stuff to the packages. My tape ran out as I was trying to close the packages and put the customs forms on, so I still had to wait in line and have a postal worker help me. But it didn’t take as long as it would have if I needed them to do everything. Another time I was mailing packages to my missionaries I got to the Post Office at 4:25pm, the line was so long that by the time I got to the front it was 4:55 pm, I was new to mailing stuff internationally and didn’t have the customs form filled out and the postal worker took one look at me and said you have to come back tomorrow we are closed. I was flabbergasted! So there you go, two of my post office adventures for the last few months. I get a little nervous whenever I have to mail a package. Kind of like that Seinfield comedy show when they say no soup for you, because one of the characters did something the cook didn’t like.

Jack and I are in Boston. It is a charming city. So much history, beautiful old buildings and churches. We are loving being here.

A couple of nights ago we went to the opening ceremonies for the AAO (American Association of Orthodontists) and listened to the Boston Pops. They played award winning show tunes from Movies and Broadway. Most of the movie tunes were from movies when I was a youngster. It was fun to hear them and very nostalgic. One of the selections they played was “Some Where Over the Rainbow”. It brought back a very real picture of myself around age 11.

My home had a large patio area over our garage. I remember putting on roller skates and skating around this patio singing “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” with so much longing and angst wondering if my dreams would ever come true. My dreams have always been pretty simple and basic. I wanted to love someone with all my heart and have him love me back and I wanted to be a mom. As I was sitting in the concert listening to the Boston Pops play this song I realized my dreams have come true and not only come true but have gone beyond what I ever could have dreamed or imagined and of course I started crying as I realized the little girl who just wanted to be loved and give love has been blessed with so much more than she ever deserved or dreamed or imagined.

How thankful I am to my Heavenly Father who always blesses us beyond our understanding. I could never of dreamed I would have 8 amazing beautiful children and 6 other children whom I love as my own as each has entered my heart as they came to love one of these amazing children of mine, tons and tons of beautiful grandchildren to dazzle me with light, love and laughter and a constant and true source of love everlasting in my faithful, and loving Jack. The little girl longing for dreams of love and someone worth loving, the dream, the pray, came true.

My heart literally over flows with love and thankfulness to my Father and my Savior for the many miracles that have happened in my life and for his constant care in watching over me. We take the church so much for granted, I can’t even imagine how people live without its principles and knowledge. Without knowing why we are here and knowing about our Savior and all he has done not just for me but for each of us. Without knowing we have a loving Father in Heaven who knows us and wants us to return to him. Without knowing we can live again with our most precious family if we but follow our Savior and our Father in Heaven. It is truly and honor and a blessing to belong to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I just needed to say again how very thankful I am for the love and support I have felt during my little skirmish with cancer. The many lovely meals and surprise goodies have blessed both my heart and my body. The tons of emails, notes, visits and loving thoughts, have helped me to stay positive and happy which everyone knows is the first step in healing. The constant faith, prayers, fasting, putting my name on the temple rolls and loving priesthood blessings have helped to heal my broken body. Thank you, thank you so
much for your love, faith, concern and support. My life has truly been blessed by each of you. I just want to gather each of you close to me and give you a big hug and tell you personally how much you mean to me. You have made a difference in my life. My dreams could never come close to imaging I would be blessed to love so many people! I love you, I pray for you, thank you again for all you have done for me.

Since I wont be writing progress reports every week, I feel a little awkward just sending you my weekly journal writings, I will continue to post these on my blogspot at www.margofeller blogspot.com. I will send my progress journal entry after I have had my quarterly pet scans. So in the meantime check out my blogspot if you get the chance or want to.
Love,
Margo

Yahoo For Margo

April 26, 2009
Margo’s chemo celebration went well, but since Thursday’s chemo she says she has not felt this bad since the first chemo. Tired, antsy and nauseous mostly is how she describes it. When Margo woke up on Friday morning(the morning after), she had slept a good 8+ hours and she commented that if this continues she will be thought of as a ‘lay-about’ since she was not up and doing something. Only Margo would dream of saying this. We determined, after the fact that we neglected to give Margo a priesthood blessing as we have done prior to the previous five chemo treatments and that this is why she has struggled so much with this last treatment. As we were going in for chemo, I read to Margo the eulogy column that Ann Coulter wrote for her mom who recently passed away from ovarian cancer. We shed a few tears as we read these tender words. As you may know, Ann Coulter is an ultra-conservative pundit, writer and commentator. The column is in itself very touching, but there are several sentences that she wrote about her mom that could just as easily have been written about Margo.
“ ….her most notable characteristic was her constant, unconditional love. She was a love machine, spreading warmth and joy wherever she went. Every time she’d see me, even after a few days’ absence, she’d hug me as if I had been lost in the Himalayan Mountains for the past twenty years. …Even on the rare occasions when I’d be cross with her, she’d completely forget about it, and within 10 seconds would be telling me what a wonderful, precious daughter I was.
….Everyone wanted my mother to be his mother. I am sure everyone thinks he has the perfect mother, but we really did. Since I was a little girl, friends, relatives and neighbors would bring their problems to Mother. She had a rare combination of being completely moral and completely non-judgmental at the same time – (the exact opposite of liberals who have absolutely no morals and yet are ferociously judgmental.) You could tell Mother anything, get good counsel and not end up feeling worse about yourself. Several of her friends sent us notes last week, calling her a ‘gentle lady’ and remarking that she never had an unkind word for anyone. Whenever the rest of us would be making fun of someone – trust me, always for good and sound reasons – Mother would somehow manage to muster up a defense of the miscreant. Father would always smile and say, “You mother defends everyone.”
She was, in fact, such a ‘gentle lady’ that I had to go to her doctors’ appointments and hospital visits with her and be her Mother Lion. If officious hospital administrators had told mother to get off the gurney, go outside in the pouring rain and stand on one foot for three hours before the doctor would see her, she’d thank them profusely and apologize for being such a bother. “
Now tell me if that doesn’t describe Margo almost perfectly? Anyway we are looking forward with great anticipation when she will feel good again. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it is not a train. When we spoke with the doctor on Thursday, I asked, now that the treatments are through, what does that mean and she said that 75% of patients respond favorably to the treatment and your mother is one of those that have been cured. She could be the poster child for chemo treatment for lymphoma. That doesn’t mean that we don’t watch and follow-up but for all intents and purposes we are past the worst and have been the recipients of a great blessing. I am so grateful for the power of the priesthood and the faith and prayers of friends and family. I am not sure how I could ever articulate the profound gratitude that I feel.

Last Chemo

Sunday April 26, 2009

Here I am three days after my last chemo treatment. It is hard to believe it is over. Of course I still have the next few days where the chemo is still in my body and all the side effects, but still it is truly a blessing and a miracle to be to this point.

On Thursday as we were talking to the doctor, she asked me what I disliked the most about the experience/treatments. I couldn’t think of anything specific and I said just not being myself for a week and a half each treatment. I asked Jack what I had complained about the most and he said I didn’t complain about much. Later when I came home and was resting after my treatment, I shot straight up in bed and thought duh my HAIR loss. That has been and continues to be the hardest part. Then I started thinking oh yeah and night sweats, and the funny tastes in my mouth, being nauseated every now and then, dry, dry skin anyway the list could go on and on. But I don’t really think about any of these things that much, you just do what you have to do. I just thought it was funny that I couldn’t come up with anything for the doctor when my hair loss has been the biggest challenge and thing I fuss about the most.

The doctor was very positive and said she didn’t see any reason why the Lymphoma should return and said I could be their poster person because I seemed to do so well compared to others. I have truly been blessed not to have so many more of the symptoms that come with this disease, mouth sores, itchy scalp, numb toes and fingers and the list goes on. All in all we felt pretty good about my chances of really being cancer free. Now I want to research and continue my reading to make sure I do everything I can to ensure that is the outcome.

Friday I felt pretty good. We went to the Jordan River Temple with Josh and Amber and Jacki and Brian. Jamie and Kirk were away on a weekend trip for their 12th Wedding Anniversary (amazing I have kids that have been married that long, Jed and Jamie will celebrate their 16th Wedding Anniversary in September) and were not able to join us and of course the rest of the kids live far away but I am sure they were thinking of us. We went to the Texas Roadhouse for dinner after. It was a great celebration for the end of my treatment. There is nothing like the temple to renew our faith and bring us strength and hope. What a great blessing temples are in our lives.

Saturday threw me for a loop. I was nauseated most of the day and I couldn’t sit still or focus. By night time I was ready to crawl out of my skin. I finally got to sleep, at one point I almost woke up Jack to have him give me a blessing. But I went and read the Ensign, walked around the house a few times and prayed again. It worked I fell asleep and I woke up feeling better, hoping I don’t have to go through what I did yesterday. At least I am concentrating enough to be able to write my journal. Although it may not make much sense.

I am really looking forward to Mother’s day. I will get to talk to my two missionaries sometime around then. I don’t know how they work it out Jon is 17 hours ahead of us and Jessica is 7 hours ahead us. I just know I will talk to them sometime. What a joy that will be.

I am sure the reason that my treatments have gone so well is because of all of the prayers, fasting, putting my name on the temple rolls, support, concern and the constant out pouring of love from all my dear ones. Thank you Father in Heaven for placing angels along my path, for all those who have cared and been there when needed. Thank you for giving me heroes to look up to and to follow. Thank you for your constant care and love. Thank you for my Savior and for helping me understand a small part of what it must have been like for him to suffer and for you to stand back and let him. As always thank you dear Father for all of my dear ones, my family and friends that continue to be my angels and my heroes. To my angels and my heroes I love you all. Thank you for being a part of my life.

The count down

My last chemo treatment is this Thursday. I am really looking forward to being done with it. I felt fabulous the last three weeks except for the Wednesday and Thursday after my treatment. I am hoping this time will be the same.

We have had a busy month. I wanted to see my grandbabies and kids that live away from us so we made a little trip to each of their homes. It was so fun to be with each of them and to participate in some everyday activities with them and their kids. I am so glad that I am blessed to have half of my kids and grandbabies live within an hour of us. I wish they all lived close by. But I am blessed that they are all well and happy.

I am looking forward to the Ensign to read the great talks that we heard over conference. It amazes me how quickly we can get out of sync with are spiritual self. I really need to focus on remembering how I felt when I first heard I had cancer and was pouring my heart out to my Heavenly Father. I am still praying, but not as fervently if that makes any sense. It seems that after the trial is over we don’t rely on our Heavenly Father as much and I don’t want to lose the closeness I have felt with my Father during this time. I have also appreciated my Savior more as I realize what it meant that he suffered for me, I have felt great peace and comfort to know that my loving Savior knows what I am going through and has felt the despair, pain and fatigue that I have felt. That He willing experienced all these things so that I could be with him again and with my family forever. I have to think of one of my favorite hymns, I Stand All Amazed” at his love for such as I.

As always I am humbled at the love and support that I have received from my dear family and friends. You have all been such a joy to me. I have been so blessed. Life is good! I love you all.

Hooray one more left!!

Everything is great here. It has been snowing off and on all week. Jack’s a little bit tired of it and threatens that he wants a palm tree in his yard oftener then usually. Hehe.

I had my second to last (hopefully forever) chemo treatment on Thursday. They couldn’t get my port to work so they had to start the IV in my wrist vein. These ports can get a little blood that dries and clots preventing the little flap to open both ways. It will let liquids (iv fluids) in but it won’t let any blood out. The nurses need to see that blood comes out so they can make sure the IV needle is placed correctly in the port. They wanted to get the clot dissolved in order to start the chemo drugs The process took over three hours. The nurse Maria decided instead of just sitting there waiting for the clot to dissolve we would go ahead and start an IV in my wrist since it was the next to last treatment and so I wouldn’t be there forever. I got to my appointment at 9:10 am and my treatment finally got started at 11:30 am. I still finished by 4:30 pm. I think that is because after the enzyme dissolved the blood clot in my port I had a time where they were using the port IV and the wrist IV to get the medicines in so that must have helped speed it up a bit.

Friday was ward temple night. Jack and I went. It was great. We had a great dessert party after and it was so wonderful to be with our ward family. We have been abundantly blessed by our ward family. The meals have been wonderful and the thoughts, emails, notes, prayers etc. have been so appreciated. You are the best!!!

On Sunday we packed up and headed down to Jacki and Brian’s for General Conference. We got there around 12:15 pm. Jacki had made breakfast for us and I brought the stuff for dinner. Well I brought most of the stuff, I forgot the most important things cheese and nacho chips for Taco salad. I had them I just forgot them. I think they call it chemo brain, but unfortunately I think it is just called getting old in my case. Jacki had cheese and tortilla's to bake so it still tasted great. Jacki and I made dinner after conference and than Jack and I left for Wyoming. Jack works Monday through Wednesday in Wyoming. We will come home Wednesday night Jack will work Thursday in SLC and then on Friday we will head to Yakima, Washington to Marci and Eric’s for Easter and we will get back Monday just in time for Dad Feller’s birthday dinner.

I only have one more treatment. Life is grand. I am blessed beyond what I deserve. I love my Heavenly Father, I know the church is true. I adore my Savior and I am so thankful that he would suffer, and go through such agony for one such as I. I have an amazing family. I have faithful sons and daughters that are doing their best to stand in righteous places and serve the Lord. I have cherished family and friends who constantly amaze me with outpourings of compassion, love and support. You are loved beyond measure. You all rock my world!!!
Love,
Margo

March 24, 2009

Well, it hardly seems like I have much to say except HOORAY! I have been sick these last 10 days but who cares when I have received so many blessings and so many miracles in my life. My heart is bursting with love and gratitude to my Heavenly Father, my Savoir, my devoted family, and sweet friends. WOW could life get any better.

I have a couple of quotes from the Ensign conference talks in the November 2008 issue that really spoke to my heart:

Elder Wirthlin gave a beautiful talk on being happy. He talked about coming home from a tough football game they had lost, he was telling his mom all about it, “Joseph” she said,”come what may and love it.” He had four points that where awesome, this sums it up. “As we look for humor, seek for the eternal perspective, understand the principle of compensation, and draw near to our Heavenly Father, we can endure hardship and trial. We can say as did my mother, “Come what may and love it.” I think I want that as my new motto. Come what may and love it!!!

Elder Cook’s talk starts off with him talking about a trip he and his young sons went on. It was in June and a sudden blizzard came up ant they were caught in the storm for hours without heat, food or proper clothing. When they final got to a place to let his wife know they were safe his three year old when he talked to his mom said “ Hope ya know, we had a hard time!’ Then near the end of his talk he says, “I testify that the Atonement of Jesus Christ covers all of the trials and hardships that any of us will encounter in this life. At times when we may feel to say, “Hope you know, I had a hard time, “we can be assured that He is there and we are safe in His loving arms. Every now and then over the past few weeks when I want to say “Hope you know, I had a hard time, I am reminded that I am safe in his loving arms. What a comfort and blessing to have this knowledge.

I had a great week in spite of feeling yucky. Marci came out from Yakima again for a few days, leaving cute Eric with their five kids (amazingly this is Eric’s idea to have her come out). We got most of my Easter stuff done. Jamie, Marci and I went to the movie “Confessions of a Shopaholic” and to the DODO after on Thursday evening the night before Marci left. Our men didn’t want to see this show so we thought it was a great time to go. Amber had seen it the week before with Josh for their anniversary and they loved it. Jacki and Brian were visiting Mindi and Dave in San Francisco for their spring break. So it was just Jamie, Marci and I that ended up going.

Jack and I are going to visit Jed and Jamie in Las Vegas this weekend. I have finally started to feel better so it will be great.

I have so much to live for and look forward to. It seems like my life has been on hold for so long, not knowing what to plan for or how far to plan for. I just want to go around twirling and dancing, spinning and singing with the joy of all I have been blessed with and with the knowledge I have more time to enjoy and be with each of you who I love so much! “Come what may and love it”!!!

March 15, 2009
The Good News
My sweet daughter Jamie took me to my chemo appointment and my sweet son Josh meet us at the appointment and stayed with me at the appointment for the day. Jamie wanted to be their when they told us the results of the petscan so she took me so she could be there at the beginning when I met with Dr. Klein or the PA Nancy even though Josh was coming to be with me that day also. I really wasn’t nervous, I just figured the results would be what they were suppose to be. I think everyone else was a lot more nervous then I was. Nancy the PA came in and said good news on the petscan. That there was no metabolic activity and where I had several tumors that were any where from .1 cm – 2cm they didn’t show up (we think that means they are to small to be of any significance. I will have to clear that up Thursday at my stats appointment) and that I would only need two more treatments. Oh the joy and the gratitude I felt at that news was over whelming. I
hugged Jamie and when Josh came in Nancy told him the news we all had a big hug and of course I was crying a bit.

I wear a hat to my chemo appointment because I am there so long and my wigs get a bit hot and itchy. Several people commented on my hat. If you told me a few months ago I wouldn't mind wearing hats in public I would have told you you were crazy. But there you go, we all get to learn things about ourselves all the time. At the end of my appointment Josh told me that I was beautiful while I was sleeping during the first part of my treatment. Of course he is my son and has to think that but it was so tender and sweet when he said it. My children are awesome!

Because of a mix up in Wyoming Jack had to work in Wyoming Tuesday through Friday and so couldn’t be with me for my chemo treatment on Thursday. I called him at his ortho practice in Wyoming, he was with patients but he was so sweet and started crying. He is the best.

When I got home from my chemo, I just had to fall to my knees to thank my Heavenly Father and my Savior for this amazing blessing. I couldn’t thank my Father in Heaven enough. I didn’t ask for anything I just keep thanking him for all that he has given me and done for me. It truly is an amazing process to not ask for anything and to just give thanks to our Father and our Savior for their infinite love and for blessings to numerous to count. Elder Bednar related his experience with praying only in gratitude in our last General Conference (see November Ensign 2008) it has truly blessed my life these last months when I have taken the opportunity to pray only in gratitude.

Yes I am tired and not feeling so well, but how can that compare with the joy of this news? How can it compare to the beautiful collective sigh of relief of all my family and friends who have stood by my side, supported and loved me through this experience? My heart is bursting with love and gratitude for all of you. I wish I could give you all a big hug and wrap my love around you. You are the best and dearest. I love you.

To my dear family and friends, thank you, thank you, thank you, my pet scan came back with no metabolic activity which means the cancer has not progressed and has shrunk and I only need to have two more chemo treatments. I know it is because of all the fasting and prayers on my behalf that I am so blessed with this news. I thank my Heavenly Father and my Savior for their tender mercy and for this sweet answer to so many of our prayers. I will write more in a few days but I wanted to share the happy news as soon as possible. I love you all. Again thank you for your love and support.

Margo

Chemo Journal

March 10, 2009

Journal

I had the petscan this morning. It was a little better this time, because I knew what to expect. It is still hard to sit perfectly still for 45 minutes for the first part before the actually scan while the radioactive isotope is wandering through my body. The actual scan takes 30 minutes after the 45 minutes. On this part not only to you have to lay perfectly still you have to lay with your arms over your head so they won’t be in the way of the scan. I was okay until the last 5 minutes and I was thinking I might have to yell at them that I can’t do this anymore. I keep thinking of primary songs to sing in my head and finally they said I was done. The tech was impressed with how still I was and thankfully because I did lay so still I didn’t have to do it over. I won’t know the results until Thursday at my chemo appointment. So we will let everyone know by email and post it on www.margofeller.blogspot.com Thursday after my appointment or during it if I find out earlier in the day.



My cold has continued to get worse this week. I called my doctor yesterday early in the morning because it felt like it was settling in my chest and I said my cold wasn’t any better and it had been almost three weeks since it started. I started an antibiotic (Zpack) yesterday and today I finally have stopped coughing and I haven’t had to blow my nose every few minutes. I feel much better. It worked fast, thank goodness. I was thinking I wouldn’t feel better until I was done with all my chemo treatments.



Friday Jack and I went to get something to eat for lunch and I told him I didn’t care where we went to eat. Well we decided to go to Einstein’s Bagel. I thought they would have a soup I could enjoy with a bagel. Well I didn’t like either of the soup choices (turkey chili and Italian wedding soup) and I couldn’t bear to have the Mexican club sandwich because for the last three chemo treatments that is what I had asked to have brought to me for lunch and it was just too close to my coming up treatment to have it right then and just being in there made me get sick to my stomach. Jack was getting ready to order and I told him I didn’t want to eat there. He still acted like he was going to order so I said a little stronger than usual you know I will have to get something to eat somewhere else, right. So he turned back to the lady and just ordered a plain bagel to go because he was a little shocked and didn’t know what to do with me. After we left I asked him if he ordered the bagel because he felt bad about how vocal I had been at the counter he said partly but the he did like the bagel he ordered. It was pretty funny. He asked me where I wanted to go and again I said I didn’t care and he said well that’s not true.



With being sick and all I am afraid I have had a few more days where I wasn’t as positive as I need to be. But all is good now. I need to humbly express my gratitude to my loving Father in Heaven for placing so many amazing, loving people in my life. What would we do without our sweet family and friends to support us during the challenges in our life. You have all made this journey more bearable with your constant support, love and faith. I love you all so much and I am so thankful you are in my life. I thank everyone that fasted for me, that is truly an act of love, and I need to thank all my sweet little grandkids for their faith, love, sweet notes and especially for all those who fasted for me and all those that tried to fast for me.



We are looking forward with faith and no matter what the results are we will continue to fight this and conquer. As I have said many times, Go, Fight, Win!! Love to all!

Late Notice Fast and Prayer

On rather short notice some of Margo's family and friends are planning a fast on her behalf this weekend (March 7-8). We know that some of us participated in a fast last sunday as well, so this is certainly optional. We are anticipating a cancer free report when Margo has her follow-up scan early Tuesday morning March 10th so anytime between now and then would be fine. We are so, so grateful for all the expressions of love, faith, prayers, flowers, meals and fond wishes that have been offered in Margo's behalf. We truly see God's hand in our lives. Thank you so much!

Update on chemo round three

Cancer Journal March 3, 2009
This third chemo has seemed as hard as the first one as far as feeling yucky. I started with a cold and still have it and I am still not feeling real well. It comes and goes. I was a bit of a party pooper for Jack while we were in San Diego he had classes he attended all day from 8:00 – 5:00 we would go out to dinner and be back at our hotel room at 9:00 pm each night and go to bed around 10:00 pm. Yikes! So not me, actually Jack would go to bed and I would stay up for a little while longer. The first night we were at our hotel the fire alarm went off two times once around 12:30 am and the 2nd time an hour later just as we had barely fallen asleep from the 1st alarm. Well suffice it to say I didn’t have a very restful night.
San Diego is such a beautiful city, it is one of the cities that calls to me. The first time I went to San Antonio, Texas I told Jack that San Antonio called to me. Every time we go to a new city he asks me if the city we are visiting calls to me. There are only a handful of cities that do so far.
Sunday we went to church. We have been to this ward in San Diego several times because it is by our condo there. Since my chemo started I haven’t been to a Fast and Testimony meeting and felt like I had so much to thank Heavenly Father for. Because we have been there so often I felt comfortable bearing my testimony there. I started out saying that these last few months had been interesting. I said in December we sent a daughter to England on a mission and a son to Australia on a mission and found out I had Lymphoma cancer. I thanked my Heavenly Father for giving me this experience because of all the miracles that I have seen take place in my life and the life of those around me. I thanked Him for Jack and for his tender care of me and said it was pretty hard to wake up next to a bald women each day. I thanked him for my amazing family and extraordinary friends and loved ones and for my Savior’s atoning sacrifice so that I could be with all whom I love forever. I bore my testimony of my assurance that the gospel is true. Of course I left out tons of stuff I wanted to thank him for and bear witness to. When I was done, the person to bear their testimony next was Mitt Romney. Governor Romney and his family had just purchased a home in San Diego and he said they were going to live 6 months and a day somewhere else because he didn’t mind paying his 10% tithing to the Lord but he didn’t think he wanted to give the same to Governor Schwarzenegger . He is such a lovely eloquent man. He radiates goodness. After the meeting he was kind enough to ask me about my treatments.
Thinking about the miracles in my life, can anything be as sweet to our Heavenly Father or to us then to have little children fasting and praying for someone in need. As a mom I never would have thought to have my children learn more than the facts about fasting when they were baptized and I didn’t expect them to try to fast until they were 12 years old. Several of my little grandbabies (age 4 and up) have tried fasting for one meal so that I would get well and feel good. Can there be anything so humbling or so touching as to have these sweet innocent little children sacrifice their needs for someone else. My granddaughter Ana (age 4) before fasting for one meal she prayed “Dear Heavenly Father, Please bless that Heavenly Father will answer my prayers and please bless that my fasting will make Grandma feel good.”
Miracles are all around us we just have to open our “hearts” to see them.
I am keeping my fingers crossed for next Tuesday, PetScan day. My love for my Savior has increased so much since this experience has started. My love for all who care about me, who; pray, fast, put my name on the temple rolls, send notes, emails, call, bring meals and gifts has no bounds. I am truly blessed and surrounded by love.

Chemo Round Three

February 21, 2009

Wednesday night I didn’t want to go to bed. I had felt so good and wanted to enjoy it as long as possible. Finally at 1:00am Thursday morning I decided I couldn’t put off the inevitable any longer and I went to bed. I dragged my feet a little in the morning so we were a little later than usual getting to the doctors office. But all in all we seemed to get done about the same time. We got to the doctors at 9:20 am and got home around 4:30 pm. In the afternoon as I was finishing up Jamie and I noticed a woman crying on the nurses shoulder, we over heard her say well I guess that means I will have to have two more treatments. Which is kind of where I am at this moment. My PET scan will be March 10 and will determine if I just have 3 more treatments or if I will have 5 more treatments. If the cancer is gone then it will be just the 3 more treatments if not then I will have 5 treatments and then another scan and we go from there. It was a bit heart wrenching to witness this and realize this will be me facing a similar situation in a few weeks and so desperately wanting it to only be 3 more times. Each treatment seems to take on a life of its own. This time I felt like I was doing really good, I was getting ready to go to the wedding and reception of a dear friend’s daughter and whammy, I got so nauseated by the time I took my nausea medicine, laid down and felt like getting up again, we had missed the event. Jack and I went to bed a 9:14 pm. So totally alien to whom I use to be.

Saturday we decided to go to the temple. I have been a little paranoid about going because I was worried about wearing my wig and having it fall off during several key parts in the ceremony. Good news, the wig stayed where it was suppose to and everything was great. It was wonderful to be in the temple, to be with my sweet eternal companion whom I adore so much.

I feel a little more nauseated this time, they said each time would be a little different and each time as your body wears down from the chemo things might take a little longer to get over or to come back to close to normal, but you still keep hoping that it is quicker for all your body’s functions to work how you have always planned and taken for granted.

The doctor said I could go with Jack to his meeting San Diego even though I will miss my stats appointment. She said if anything happened (a fever over 100.4 or really bad sore throat and some other symptoms) I would have to be treated in the emergency room, because they would need to know exactly what kind of infection I was fighting, which scared me a little bit, but said that I would still be fine. So I get to go to San Diego and rest down there and that is a happy plan to me.

I have received so much loving, tender, caring support from each of you. I can’t express my deepest love and how much each of you have touched my heart and have helped to make this burden lighter by your kindness and sweet thoughts and deeds. Thank you, you are the best!

I know Heavenly Father knows me and knows what I need to make me strong and to make me worthy to live with him and my Savior and my beautiful family and my sweet friends forever. So whatever it takes to make that happen you can count me in, since that is my whole reason for being here.

Well I am a little sluggish this morning and need to go lay down. I hope to add some pictures later. I love you all!

Chemo III

Margo seems to be adjusting to life with chemo and cancer as well as can be expected. She was told on Thursday (day of chemo) that they would make an appointment on March 10 for a new PET scan to see the status of the cancer. This is just just two days before the 4th chemo treatment. We are hopeful that it comes back clear which means that there will be 6 chemos total (three more) including the one 2 days after the scan. When she was there for chemo there was another patient that had just found the results of her scan (that she was still positive for cancer and that she would need additional chemo treatments); she was crying and understandably distraught. This whole process is still quite sobering. Margo did say last week that if it weren't for losing her hair, she felt pretty normal. It is always the best just before the next treatment.
Kirk and I administered to Margo as we have done the night before each of the treatments. I anointed and Kirk sealed the anointing (this time). Kirk gave Margo a beautiful blessing. It is such a blessing to have the priesthood; and I really believe that it helps Margo so much to go through the chemo.
We had some time off on monday and tuesday last week and arranged to visit Margo's folks in St. George. Ardith will be 90 in a little over a week and Mel is 95. Dad suffers from dementia or mild Alzheimer's and so does not really understand what Margo is going through. Mom, I think, gets it to a point, but they both do not completely understand the gravity of the illness and treatment. It was good for us to see them.

 

February 9, 2009
About six months ago Mindi called and told me that Wicked was coming to San Francisco and that we should plan a girl’s trip and come to see her and Wicked. I got on line and got 8 tickets to Wicked for all my daughters and daughter-in-laws and our girl’s trip was set in motion. Little did we know six months later life would be a bit different than we had expected. Jessica decided to go on a mission and my future held a side trip I never expected to take. I was pretty secure in my thoughts that I would never have to deal with cancer. It wasn’t in our family and so I assumed that I would be exempt from this disease. Well, not so fast Miss Margo. When I first heard I had cancer and we were learning about the treatment and time frame San Francisco came to mind and I just hoped I would feel good enough to go. Last fast Sunday Marci and Eric’s little guy Gabe (9 ½) fasted a full 24 hours and their Isaac (8) and Emma (6) fasted one meal so that grandma could get better from cancer and also that I could be well enough to go with their mom to San Francisco and enjoy it. I had an awesome time with my sweet daughters (4) and sweet daughter-in-laws (2) in San Francisco. I hardly felt sick at all, I just had to rest a bit and missed most of the shopping, but it was wonderful. I need to thank all my boys for holding down the home front so I could be with the girls. They were/are so great. I didn’t hear one word of complaint from them just lovely wishes that they hoped we all had a good time. All the grandkids had an amazing weekend with their dads. So a big THANK YOU to my sweet boys.
This last chemo wasn’t as hard as the first one. The first week I was really, really tired and low on energy, hard to get anything done. I had tons of year end reports and stuff to do so I had to force myself to focus. I would work a few hours and then go and lay down. Eric volunteered to have Marci come out a few days early before we were leaving for San Francisco to help me so she was here Tuesday – Thursday and drove me to my stats appoint Thursday and helped with tons of stuff. The constant resting gets old but I can only go so long before I crash. By Thursday even though it was my lowest point as far as blood counts I started feeling better. Jack made me promise I would wear a mask in the airplane on the way to San Francisco to try to avoid getting sick, I did as soon as I finished the dinner we brought on board the airplane. I thought I might suffocate having to wear a mask and a wig but I survived and came home healthy. This was a totally different experience than last time. I am sure not going in sick to begin with had a lot to do with it as well as the prayers and fasting on my behalf. Knowing a little bit about what to expect and just the whole emotional experience of going through chemo for the first time I am sure added to the stress and depression of the first treatment. I am happy to report I don’t think I need to take anti-depressants. Everyone said I was a lot better this time and I would really like to avoid adding any more drugs to what I am already having to take. Yikes!
My funny story for this week is: Wednesday before my Chemo treatment I received a call from Dr. Klein’s office (where I go for my treatments). It was a reminder that I had chemo on Thursday. It just struck me really funny and I had to laugh out loud. Oh, right I forgot that was happening tomorrow. I mean seriously does anyone forget they are having a chemo treatment. As if your whole life isn’t centered around that treatment day for the next 6 – 8 months. Anyway I thought it was pretty funny.
I did have a little bit of a break down yesterday morning. After the lovely weekend reality set in and before we left from Mindi’s house to go to the airport I just wondered if I was ever going to be me again. Sunday when I talked to Jack I told him I was a little tired of this whole cancer thing and he said yes he was too and he wanted his wife back. So at 5:00 am Monday morning I woke up and thought what if I am not ever the same. They told me all the things I would lose during chemo and that most of the things come back but they come back different. If you had curly hair it comes back straight and so forth. Just thinking about being bald for a whole year, such a little thing but my identity and how I feel about myself is so tied up to it that as the girl’s asked me how I was doing and how I slept I started crying. Oh well, I guess one day a treatment is going to be dedicated to a bit of crying and feeling sorry for myself. I went walking and came back ready to face the next few weeks with joy and thanksgiving for all that I have.
I am constantly humbled and amazed at the loving concern, prayers, thoughts, fasting, gifts, beautiful cards, notes and emails I have received. I feel the power of everyone’s prayers every day. They bring comfort, strength and hope. I can’t thank my Heavenly Father and my heavenly earthly family and friends enough for all the efforts that are being made on my behalf. I couldn’t do this without you. I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for surrounding me with awesome loved ones to help me through this experience. I love you all!!!

Round Two

Round two of chemo was a bit different. 1st I wasn’t terrified for my life. My blood pressure was a nice 112/68 instead of 138/92 (something like that), the nurse said oh, you are much more relaxed this time and I said you think!
2nd knowing a little bit about the three weeks in between helped so it wasn’t so scary to wonder exactly what would happen and when it would happen. 3rd I feel like this will work and that I can do it. 4th It wasn’t so near to Jessica and Jonathan leaving so I have had more time to adjust to missing them.
The end of the first week last time I was wondering if I would feel yucky the whole six months of treatment and wondering if it was worth it. But a few days after that depressing thought I started feeling more like myself, food started tasting close to the same as it did before and water tasted okay. My energy and concentration came back so I had a good six - seven days of getting stuff done and feeling like I could even cook a meal (although Jamie didn’t let me).
The depression wasn’t so bad this time, but the nausea was a little bit sharper because I was trying not to take so much of the nausea medicine to see if this helped me find my happy place easier. I think that it did help me with the happy place thing but I didn’t make it to church because I was too nauseated to go. So, I guess we will have to play around with it next time to see if I can make it work so I can make it to church and still be happy.
We have had some super fun events this weekend a grand nephew getting married and a grandson getting baptized.
Life is truly a gift.
I loved my hat and scarf party. Jamie hosted and planned the event with help from Jacki and Amber. My hats are fabulous and the scarf’s I received are extraordinary. I received flowers, kites, candies, plants, a beautiful centerpiece, lovely notes, thoughts and the added joy of seeing sweet family and friends. I am so blessed to have so many wonderful and amazing people in my life. Everyone I know is living through their own drama’s and trials but still have taken time to reach out to me and make my trial into an adventurous journey instead of a trek through an alligator swamp.
All of my kids have been extra tender and caring. Extra notes, hugs, sacrifices of time and resources. Jamie has shouldered a lot of this because she is right here and is so protective of me and makes sure I don’t do anything I don’t need to, it really is a turn around to let your child/children take care of you without being able to do the same for them. A very amazing process to see them step up and take over the reins as you have taught them all your life to do and to have them do it so gracefully. Whenever these moments happen I realize that Heavenly Father is truly in our lives, defining our experiences helping us to have the chance to strengthen our character, to have the opportunity to prove to him that we are his children and that we want to follow our Savior and become his children forever.
I constantly pray for all those who need extra tender care, and all those who have lost so much as dear friends have lost loving spouses and other dear friends that constantly fight their own demons without ever a respite. My challenge seems puny compared to these. Again I am amazed at dear, dear, family and friends who have given me so much. I love you, I love that through this experience I get to see the amazing heroes for righteousness I have guarding and guiding me each day as you pray for me and as you have offered me countless thoughts of love and support. You are such strength to me and I pray I can be an instrument for good in the Lords hands and do as much good for others as you have done for me.